"Healing Energy"
Art work by Rita Loyd at NurturingArt
I think that one of the hardest aspects of recovering from an eating disorder for me is leaving the guilt surrounding food behind. I'm still working on reminding myself that I need to eat to fuel my body and mind. Every meal that I eat or don't eat is a struggle, and restricting what I eat continues to be a problem for me. I try to eat dinner with my family, but other than that, it really is hit or miss. I know that part of the problem is that I somehow feel better about myself when I can control the amount of food that I eat. The less I consume, the more I feel that I have accomplished something. It is a way of thinking that I'm working on changing. It is definitely a challenge though!
On the positive side, my mood has been much more stable in the past week. I only wish that my job was feeling stable. In the mornings, I'm still working in the high school, but in the afternoons, they have me running in all sorts of different directions. I'm supposed to begin training staff on a new autism program that the district is starting, but the only training that I have had on it was to be handed a box with a book and some materials, and told to familiarize myself with it, so I don't feel all that confident about training others yet. I haven't been told exactly when this program will start, and the uncertainty is making me anxious. It is definitely getting to me, because when I came home from work today, I managed to yell at everyone who came near me about what a mess our house was, and how no one can seem to pick up after themselves. I even yelled at the dog! I know that it is just me feeling overwhelmed, but I still feel bad for yelling. It helps to sit down and write about it, because I think that it was while I was typing that I realized just how stressed I am over my job. I'm not sure what is expected of me, and of course, I don't want to fail or seem incompetent. It is no wonder that I like being able to control my body and my food intake. At least it feels like something that most of the time I CAN control. I'm a control freak!
I think that one of the hardest aspects of recovering from an eating disorder for me is leaving the guilt surrounding food behind. I'm still working on reminding myself that I need to eat to fuel my body and mind. Every meal that I eat or don't eat is a struggle, and restricting what I eat continues to be a problem for me. I try to eat dinner with my family, but other than that, it really is hit or miss. I know that part of the problem is that I somehow feel better about myself when I can control the amount of food that I eat. The less I consume, the more I feel that I have accomplished something. It is a way of thinking that I'm working on changing. It is definitely a challenge though!
On the positive side, my mood has been much more stable in the past week. I only wish that my job was feeling stable. In the mornings, I'm still working in the high school, but in the afternoons, they have me running in all sorts of different directions. I'm supposed to begin training staff on a new autism program that the district is starting, but the only training that I have had on it was to be handed a box with a book and some materials, and told to familiarize myself with it, so I don't feel all that confident about training others yet. I haven't been told exactly when this program will start, and the uncertainty is making me anxious. It is definitely getting to me, because when I came home from work today, I managed to yell at everyone who came near me about what a mess our house was, and how no one can seem to pick up after themselves. I even yelled at the dog! I know that it is just me feeling overwhelmed, but I still feel bad for yelling. It helps to sit down and write about it, because I think that it was while I was typing that I realized just how stressed I am over my job. I'm not sure what is expected of me, and of course, I don't want to fail or seem incompetent. It is no wonder that I like being able to control my body and my food intake. At least it feels like something that most of the time I CAN control. I'm a control freak!
Oh well...there are much worse things in the world that I could be.
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2 Comments:
Hi,
I really like your blog, you are so open about what you are going through I admire you for that. Keep on fighting and don't let the past rob you of your future. I posted an award for you on my blog, because you deserve it. Thanks for your inspiration to carry on no matter what the struggle.
Take Care,
Janet :)
Hi,
I really like your blog, you are so open about what you are going through I admire you for that. Keep on fighting and don't let the past rob you of your future. I posted an award for you on my blog, because you deserve it. Thanks for your inspiration to carry on no matter what the struggle.
Take Care,
Janet :)
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