Now Is Simply Beautiful

I am wide awake, when I should be sleeping, but my mind cannot rest, and my heart is racing madly. I'm out of my routine I suppose, and life is buzzing loudly; insistant that I sit up and take notice. I'm so alive that it feels as if an electric current is running throughout my body, and it is not entirely pleasant. Changes are happening all around me, and with change comes a certain amount of discomfort. These changes are everything I've dreamt of, and it feels so unreal at times to believe that I can even have these things that I've wanted. I'm beginning to teach some yoga classes at a couple of studios in town, and it is amazing to me to love it as much as I hoped I would. I wasn't sure... I mean, I love my yoga practice, but there is a difference between practicing and teaching. A large portion of recovery for me has been sharing my journey with other people who are struggling to find their way, and that has mainly been sharing my story through writing. Yoga was the missing piece of the puzzle for me in terms of recovering from the eating disorder and post traumatic stress. I needed yoga to teach me how to re-connect to my body in a healthy way. Wanting to teach yoga stems from a tremendous desire to give back somehow, so I'm relieved to find that I love teaching, as scary as it is! I have so much still to learn, but I'm ready, and more than willing. 

The school year is over, and I have a few days off before summer school begins, so my routine has been disrupted, which often throws off my sleep. It has been an exciting couple of weeks, with my third son graduating from high school. He will be going away to college in the fall, and my husband and I are talking of downsizing. It is strange to be thinking of moving, but I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I do have the future in mind, but I'm also rooted firmly in this present moment. Whatever comes will come whether I worry about it or not, so I'm not worried. Now is simply beautiful...

School Days

I can't sleep. I get just as excited and nervous as the kids do about the first day of school. I have my placement for the new school year, and I'm really happy about where I will be. It is a jr.high autism classroom with four boys, and I will be there all day. Usually my time is split between two different schools, so this will be nice. I've been working with the staff this week, and I already think that they are wonderful. Tomorrow I will meet the boys, which I'm looking forward to, and it is only a half day, which should ease everyone in, although the first few weeks are definitely a challenge. I suppose that is where the nerves come in! I just have a positive feeling about this year, and that feels good. Last year I was at so many different schools, that I never felt comfortable or at home anywhere. It was a tough year all around, and one I don't ever want to repeat.

I wrote this poem in honor of the first day of school. Wishing all of those students and teachers out there a great year!



First Day Jitters

The smell of blacktop
freshly poured.
Your teachers name
above the door.
Heart pounding
Stiffly standing
Hold on tight
to your momma's hand

Hair pulled up
with rubberbands
Itchy knee socks
Shoes that squeak
Tears that threaten
Quivering chin
Here you go
Life's tests begin

Angela Minard 2009©

Silence Is A Prison

Today is my last day of summer vacation, and then tomorrow I go back to work. I greatly enjoyed the break, but I suppose it is time to step back into the real world of jobs and schedules. I am an Autism Instructional Assistant, so I work in my local school district with children with autism, pre-school through grade 12. Tomorrow I will find out where my assignments are to start out the school year. I generally move around to different classrooms and grade levels, depending on where the need is. I'm looking forward to meeting the kids that I will be working with, but the first few days back are meetings, so I won't actually be with kids until Friday. It is going to be difficult to get back into my early morning routine. I walk with my neighbor from 5:00-6:00 a.m., and then out of the house by 7:00. I have been walking with my neighbor still this summer, but not until later in the morning, and then I leisurely have coffee and putz around.

No more of that!

I feel like I have done so much healing this summer, and although I'm still struggling with the eating disorder and poor body image, I feel that I'm making progress. I have come a long way in terms of dealing with the rape. I'm not triggered as easily, I tend to handle it better when I am triggered, and I'm not having as many flashbacks or nightmares. It feels good to list those things here, because it does help me to see that I am in fact, HEALING. It is strange, because I remember more details than ever before about the rape, but those memories don't come with so much terror and panic anymore. My therapist said that the memories would come when I was ready for them, and that is extremely empowering. I'm no longer being held hostage by my past. I used to think that keeping it all bottled up inside gave me the control, but I realize that the silence is what kept me a prisoner. I'm beginning to see the blue sky beyond those steel bars.

Summers End

This is my last official day of summer vacation before I start back to work. I won't actually get to work with the kids until Thursday though. Tomorrow and Wednesday are just professional development and classroom preperation days.

I haven't done anything today besides do laundry and nap, but that is okay. At least I'm well rested at the moment. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.

The younger boys have football practice tonight. I hate football season! I just find the sport incredibly boring, and as a mother, quite terrifying. I go to the games, but I try to avoid watching as much as possible. I read, knit, and groan a lot! I need to stock up on yarn. Everyone in the family is getting a scarf for Christmas this year, whether they want one, or not.

Well, that is all for now. I hope that this is a wonderful week for everyone!

An "Emery The Rat" Update

Emery loves her Honey Nut Cheerios first thing in the morning.

It is going to be hard to take her back to the classroom. We have really grown attached to her this summer. She is such a cutie! She is very social, and greets anyone who will stop by to chat.

She is a great listener. Of course, she is always hoping that the visitor also has a treat for her. She loves peanuts, cheese crackers, and anything with peanut butter, which sometimes gets stuck to the roof of her mouth, and is quite humorous to watch her remove. I never thought that I could love a rat, but I do!

Last Day ~2007-08~

Today was the last day of school. Classroom cleaned, summer school boxes packed, kids hugged and hugged again. I will see most of them again in a week, and even the ones that I won't see in summer school, I still plan on seeing. It was a precious class this year, and next year the dynamics will change with four new kids, and two students not returning. The end of the year is always bittersweet. This group, put together was extraordinary, so I will miss it.

I packed Emery "the rat" up in her to go cage and brought her home today. She is officially a member of the family for the summer. She is getting big, but still pretty darned cute! She nipped Phoebe on the nose a bit ago though, so I'm not sure how cute that she thinks she is. I'm sure that they will be great friends soon enough {I hope:)}

There is just so much to think about. My oldest will be a senior next year, I will have one starting highschool, and one starting Jr. High. Only one grade schooler left for one more year. When did they all grow up on me so fast? I'm just not even ready, but I had better get on the ball here. We need to start researching colleges for Christian. He is into graphics and 3d communications. I get nervous even thinking about it!