Monday, August 10, 2009

Silence Is A Prison

Prison Bars Sky Sun Pictures, Images and Photos

Today is my last day of summer vacation, and then tomorrow I go back to work. I greatly enjoyed the break, but I suppose it is time to step back into the real world of jobs and schedules. I am an Autism Instructional Assistant, so I work in my local school district with children with autism, pre-school through grade 12. Tomorrow I will find out where my assignments are to start out the school year. I generally move around to different classrooms and grade levels, depending on where the need is. I'm looking forward to meeting the kids that I will be working with, but the first few days back are meetings, so I won't actually be with kids until Friday. It is going to be difficult to get back into my early morning routine. I walk with my neighbor from 5:00-6:00 a.m., and then out of the house by 7:00. I have been walking with my neighbor still this summer, but not until later in the morning, and then I leisurely have coffee and putz around.
No more of that!

I feel like I have done so much healing this summer, and although I'm still struggling with the eating disorder and poor body image, I feel that I'm making progress. I have come a long way in terms of dealing with the rape. I'm not triggered as easily, I tend to handle it better when I am triggered, and I'm not having as many flashbacks or nightmares. It feels good to list those things here, because it does help me to see that I am in fact, HEALING. It is strange, because I remember more details than ever before about the rape, but those memories don't come with so much terror and panic anymore. My therapist said that the memories would come when I was ready for them, and that is extremely empowering. I'm no longer being held hostage by my past. I used to think that keeping it all bottled up inside gave me the control, but I realize that the silence is what kept me a prisoner. I'm beginning to see the blue sky beyond those steel bars.


Shinade aka Jackie said...

Angel what a wonderful and excited post!! I am so very very happy to hear this news.

You are taking back your control!! How wonderful.....prayers have been answered and you have worked so hard.

You deserve the freedom. I am just elated. I also think work may be very good for you now that you are feeling stronger.

But, I too would hate to give up my lazy mornings. That is when I have one.

Being on satellite takes me 3 times as long to blog as everyone else.

I have been on this PC today since before 7a.m.

I only have a few more and then I am calling it a night. Walter will be home late tomorrow night or early Wednesday and that will really be nice.

With my back completely out for almost a month I need so much help here at the house.

I am feeling better but the X-Rays did confirm that my Sciatic nerve was very inflamed so I am still restricted and still on those heavy duty meds.

Then the poor man has to get our yard cleaned up after the storm took down some of our trees.

To top everything off MolliPop went out and got sprayed but good by skunk. I can't bathe her with my back so she and my house smell just lovely!!

Wow it's been one heck of a week around the home stead here.

Thank you so much for stopping in everyday and checking on me. It meant a great deal to me.

Funny how we can get so attached and become so close via blogging isn't it?

I hope your week goes just super and maybe the meetings won't be too boring!!

Big hugs,

Angel said...

Awww, thanks Jackie! I'm sorry to hear about the skunk situation! I hope your back is feeling better soon so that you can get back to a more normal way of living. You take care of yourself:)
Much love and hugs<3

PJ said...

this post brought a huge smile in my heart for you. you ARE in control. i see you accepting the events of your past and allowing those feelings to come so that you can own them and move through them and set them free to start feeling the love all around you. you are going to make it sweetie, this i am positive of.

when i get settled back home, i would love to make a dream catcher for you to hang over your bed. it will only allow the good dreams to flow through. please think about it.

you have a wonderful week angel...much love to you.

Angel said...

I would love that! Thank you PJ:)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed and sending up prayers that you will get settled soon. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
Much love and {{{HUGS}}}

koe whitton-williams said...

Angela - Thank you for telling us about your work. My child is autistic and the people who work with her are among the most beautiful on the planet. I am sure you are as caring and patient with your kids as Jilly's teachers are. Have a great school year and - stay strong. Always. Always.

Poem said...

Drop ec and care to exchange link?

Ann said...

I know I've only been reading your blog for a short time but reading your post today made me very happy for you. I'm so glad you getting the control over your life back and making progress. You keep at it, I know you can get to where you truly want to be.

Unknownwriter and Almost Lover said...

silence is a prison
one that haunts

be well