Even the plastered on smile that I usually wear falters during these grey winter days, and I find myself moving as if I were in a foggy dream. I often feel like I'm a voyeur in my own life...an audience of one. My therapist calls this depersonalization, or when you feel like you are watching yourself going through the day to day motions without feeling a connection to yourself. She also says that rape survivors will report that they did this during their attack, and that is definitely what I did. It is an effective way to not feel, and I tend to pull out all of my tricks. One night last week, I woke up and thought that someone was in our bedroom, and instead of waking up my husband, I lay there in a frozen state, unable to move or make a sound, watching from somewhere outside of myself. I felt stupid once I realized it was my imagination, but I also realized that my shame about the rape comes from the fact that in my fear, I was rendered powerless, and that somehow in my mind, I let it happen. I know that I was a child, yes, I know all of this, but even as an adult, I'm out of control in the face of fear, and reigning in my emotions gives me some sense of power. Restricting my food also gives me a sense of power, and I'm beginning to see that I need to let go of the fear that is paralyzing me. Why does the first step always have to be so difficult? "Do the thing you think you cannot do!"
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."
~Marianne Williamson
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