Sunday, January 23, 2011

Looking Fear In The Face

face fear Pictures, Images and Photos

Even the plastered on smile that I usually wear falters during these grey winter days, and I find myself moving as if I were in a foggy dream. I often feel like I'm a voyeur in my own audience of one. My therapist calls this depersonalization, or when you feel like you are watching yourself going through the day to day motions without feeling a connection to yourself. She also says that rape survivors will report that they did this during their attack, and that is definitely what I did. It is an effective way to not feel, and I tend to pull out all of my tricks. One night last week, I woke up and thought that someone was in our bedroom, and instead of waking up my husband, I lay there in a frozen state, unable to move or make a sound, watching from somewhere outside of myself. I felt stupid once I realized it was my imagination, but I also realized that my shame about the rape comes from the fact that in my fear, I was rendered powerless, and that somehow in my mind, I let it happen. I know that I was a child, yes, I know all of this, but even as an adult, I'm out of control in the face of fear, and reigning in my emotions gives me some sense of power. Restricting my food also gives me a sense of power, and I'm beginning to see that I need to let go of the fear that is paralyzing me. Why does the first step always have to be so difficult? "Do the thing you think you cannot do!"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."
~Marianne Williamson


Wanda's Wings said...

Letting go of fear is a hard one. It's something I am working on too. Believing in you.

Just me said...

I think you've already taken the first step, and that is understanding. You know why you restrict, and you know that you can't keep going like this. I think that's a much bigger step than you realise, though I understand that the next ones are hard too.

But take it one at a time. I believe in you xxx

Haley said...

I know what you mean about restricting giving you a sense of power, but really the only power that is possible for us right now is the power that we get from saying NO to that ED.
You get NO power from restricting. It's the opposite, both literally and figuratively.
You feel drained, disconnected *like you mention here*, and unhappy with yourself.
Seeing the positive quote and comments at the end of this post let me know that you are so strong in your determination to beat this evil disease. Don't let it ruin your life for one more second. You can do this!

Also, thank you so much for the sweet comment on my blog tonight.
Praying for you,
<3 Haley

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say I found your blog through PT and it made such a difference in my day. I am 36 and struggling as well. Reading your posts made me feel "normal" in this whole process of recovery. I am impressed with your honesty and truth with your feelings. I just started writing a blog, but have just been slowing getting into it. I am now following your blog ~ I believe in you! I know how hard that first step is to take. I take it and then jump back every single day.

Grace (mum2staythin)