Friday, January 21, 2011

Believing In Me


I have this compulsion to write down everything I eat, and when I told my therapist, she said to go ahead if that is what I felt I should do. I didn't expect that response at all! I haven't had some of these thoughts in a long time, and they scare me, but she said that it is good to be scared. I already know this. I'm only scared that I will make the choice not to stop. It never feels like a choice, although I hear that it is. I told Dave today that I believe I'm fat...sorry to use that word, but anyway, he doesn't agree. How can I believe, when I know he would never hurt my feelings by telling me that I am. He can't one can. As early as twelve years old, I was asking my brother the same question. Poor kid! It is also the age at which I started dieting and worrying about food and my body. It makes sense because it was right after being raped that the hatred toward my body began. This has been going on for such a long time, so it feels overwhelming to try to stop. Everyone tells me that they believe I can do it, but how can I when I don't think that I believe it myself. The eating disorder is a huge part of my identity, and I'm afraid of losing myself. I know that there is so much to be gained, but I don't know what that will look or feel like, so it is like staring into the darkness. I'm having too many days of not eating at all, and of course there are repercussions to this. I passed out on Tuesday because my blood pressure was so low, my hands, legs, and feet are cramping up because my potassium is low, and I'm terribly cold all of the time. I've done better with my food intake since Tuesday because losing consciousness really frightened me. I know that I must stop doing this to my body. If that doesn't scare me, what will? Maybe writing down what I eat could be a good thing because it may help me to see that I need to add more food, although I'm scared that it will do just the opposite. I will try and see how it feels. I'm glad that there are people on my side to help me through this, and to believe in me, at least until I can believe in myself.


Just me said...

You're right, there are people who believe in you even while you don't believe in yourself.

I'm one.
I'm praying for you xxx

Wanda's Wings said...

((((((Angela)))))) I believe in you. You have overcome so much. I hope writing down what you eat helps and doesn't backfire. It's scary that you passed out and your potassium was so low. That can effect your heart when your blood levels get out of control. I care what happens to you. Your family cares. Please, please take care of yourself.

Haley said...

Being scared of writing down your food intake is definitely understandable.
I know this because I do it, as well.
My nutritionist advises it, actually. And she does so for the very reason you mentioned. When I write down what I am eating, it makes it easier to confront my restrictive behaviors and realize that I need more food in my body.
I do know that it can cause you to feel like you are eating A LOT, though. You've just gotta look at this from a positive perspective and tell your ED to stay out of your food logging. You are doing this to recover, not to help with restriction.
You're strong, intelligent, and beautiful. I know you can do it
<3 Haley

Ruth said...

You can do this! Writing things down seems like a great idea, my parents see a nutritionist and she always has them keep a food log. One thing I thought of--some people do Weight Watchers or a program like it to lose weight, I wonder if you could do it as a way to relearn how to eat healthy and get back to a healthy weight?

Anonymous said...

This has been my fear all along, that your identity is so wrapped up in your eating disorder that you will never be able to let it go. You can't even imagine your life without it and it's the only thing that defines you, and if you haven't found the motivation (your kids, your husband, your mom, your own life) at this point to try to get better, my fear is that you never will.

Angela said...

I've been thinking a lot over the weekend about my fear of letting it go. I may not believe right now, but I can trust that other people do believe in me, and as my therapist says, "I can do the next right thing." That is all that I can do.

Anonymous said...

I pray that you finally will do the "next right thing" From personal experience, very much like your own, I know that none of us have an unlimited amount of time. I hope you are able to do what you need to do before time runs out.