Here and Now

Winter Blessings Waiting for snowfall, and the squeals of pink cheeked children. In slow motion, I watched them grow, and yet the time has passed in a blur of smiles and tears wept. The wrapping arms of young men. Family gathered and surrounded in love. The gift of forever in their eyes overflowing with gratitude I'm blessed on this winter day Angela Minard 2009©

I’ve been knitting and knitting for weeks. One scarf after another for friends and family. The monotony of it keeps my mind still, but this morning it doesn’t seem to be helping. All that I can think about are the damn cookies that I ate last night before I went to bed. I’m disgusted with myself, and feel like a fat pig right now. I hate all of the food around the holidays. Tonight we are having a big dinner, and if my family wasn’t here, I would eat none of it. I feel like severly restricting the moment that they all leave. It hurts because I love them so much, and this fucking eating disorder gets in the way of that. My therapist would be proud of me about the anger right now. “Yes, get angry!,” she would say. I am angry for all of the life that it has stolen from me. I have the choices right here in my own hands. I decide. Me. I’m in charge of this body. For so long, I felt absolutely no control over my own body. My body was taken, stolen, used, and I’m still trying to get it back. ...

I have therapy and see my nutritionist in a little while. I did good with my food yesterday, even eating lunch out with my mom, and had some Christmas cookies last night after dinner. I felt really guilty about it, so I'm not to sure how I will do today. I haven't eaten yet, and most likely won't eat lunch, but I will try to do some dinner. I'm going to pass on getting weighed today. I don't want to hear that I haven't lost, and I certainly don't want to hear it if I've gained. My mom and I went shopping, and I was able to buy a size down in my jeans, so that made me feel good. I'm feeling fine with the weight that I am, although there is part of me that is always happy to lose more. I know that is the eating disorder talking. I'm trying not to listen to that side. It is loud, and my voice needs to get louder and more insistent. I'm in a healthier state of mind, so I think I can do it! I'm not dropping many entrecards while I'm on my ...

This picture was taken before my mom and I went out for a day of shopping and lunch. We went out and bought pajamas, which we are lounging in as I type this post. We did all of our baking yesterday. I think we are all just enjoying spending the time together. It doesn't really matter what we do. My mom went to my psychiatry appointment with me today. My doctor raised one med, lowered another one, and added a new one. The new one is supposed to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia. I can't seem to shut down my mind, and it especially bothers me at night. I hate that I have to take them, but everytime I try to go off of them, my depression and dissociation come back full force. She also gave me an assignment for the next time I see her. She wants me to write down thirty seconds worth of positive affirmations about myself. It doesn't seem like much, but I honestly am having a difficult time coming up with a list. After I write it all down, she wants me to make ...

Here is a picture taken a couple of years ago of me with my mom and step-dad. This is my mom and I. It feels so great to have my parent's here. My mom and I are going shopping today, and we will of course do some baking. I love the long talks that we have, and I've missed both my mom and my step-dad so much. I hate even calling him my step-dad because he has been like a real father to me. He and my mom started dating when I was thirteen, and we have always gotten along so well. I'm very lucky to have a supportive and loving male influence in my life. It more than makes up for the father that I lacked. The only person that is missing right now is my younger brother. He was married last weekend, and I really wish that I could have been there for the wedding, but we can celebrate this summer when we go to Florida. I'm feeling so wonderful right now, and the depression seems far away. I get weary of the fluctuation in my moods and frame of mind. I do hope that the increase ...

I'm feeling lonely. Everyone went to bed, but I'm still wired. I had so much to do when I came home from work, and it has been such a busy day. At school, we are getting a new student after the break, so I was busy getting materials ready for his transition. It is going to be a full classroom with five boys. The new boy sounds like a handful from what I've read about him, but aren't they all at first, until we get to work with them. I love the challenge of my job, but it will be interesting to see how the first week back will be. What am I already worrying about it for anyway? This evening I've been getting the house ready for my parent's arrival, and now that everything is as done as it's going to get, I can't calm down. I'm running on empty, but I can't slow my mind down, and everything feels like a jumble of words running into each other. Oh well, at least I'm not depressed anymore. I'm excited to see my mom and step dad. My mom and I ...

I'm actually blogging from work today because we are doing nothing productive, and the student that I work with isn't even here. We are having our holiday party, which of course means a ridiculous amount of food. In fact, my co-worker's are already eating and it is only 8:30 a.m. It is stressing me out,so that is why I'm over at the computer blogging instead of eating. I'm really going to eat some this afternoon though, because it would look strange if I didn't. I have so much to do tonight before my parent's get here. I have a lot of cleaning to do because it is so hard to do it during the week, and with the boys, it doesn't stay that way, so why bother. I'm excited though, and have a ton of energy. Maybe the increase in my medication is working too well. My therapist said that I seemed a bit manic at our last session. It was a great session though. We talked about my being hurt that she would drop me over the alcohol thing. She explained again that...

I'm feeling better today, even though it is still so grey and gloomy outside... Oh, and did I mention, absolutely frigid! I had a good day, even though I was observed by the parent of the student that I work with. I was nervous about it beforehand, but it went well, and he seemed pleased by how I handled his behaviors. I was worried about it all weekend. I tend to get overly anxious and worked up over things in which I have no control. Now I only have four more days of work, and then Christmas break. It will be three weeks of heaven. This week I will be getting ready for my parents visit. We put the tree up last night, and now I'm feeling more festive. I've been knitting like a mad woman to finish up my scarves for Christmas gifts. I also sold two of them at work, and I still have a couple to do for friends. I think it has helped to keep me sane, but I do think the increase in meds have already helped some. I finally called my dad back today after weeks of avoiding his cal...

The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...

It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my m...

My dad has called a few times since I saw him at my grandpa's visitation. I programmed his number into my phone just in case I gather the courage to actually return his call. I was upset when I thought that he wasn't ever going to call, and now that he has, I'm not sure what to do. This is not me being spiteful towards him, or at least, I don't think it is. I do feel the need to protect myself from anymore damage or unintentionally hurtful words. Mostly I think it is what he doesn't say that hurts the most. He can be so oblivious and self absorbed, and although he is no longer drinking and using drugs, I don't think those qualities have changed. I don't need a father figure, because for the majority of my life, I've had an amazing step-father who more than filled those shoes. I ask myself what is it that I want, and I'm not sure. I know that being totally cut off from him by my own choosing feels wrong. He keeps attempting to reach out, and although ...

Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence. Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. ...