Sunday, December 6, 2009

Feel The Joy


My dad has called a few times since I saw him at my grandpa's visitation. I programmed his number into my phone just in case I gather the courage to actually return his call. I was upset when I thought that he wasn't ever going to call, and now that he has, I'm not sure what to do. This is not me being spiteful towards him, or at least, I don't think it is. I do feel the need to protect myself from anymore damage or unintentionally hurtful words. Mostly I think it is what he doesn't say that hurts the most. He can be so oblivious and self absorbed, and although he is no longer drinking and using drugs, I don't think those qualities have changed. I don't need a father figure, because for the majority of my life, I've had an amazing step-father who more than filled those shoes. I ask myself what is it that I want, and I'm not sure. I know that being totally cut off from him by my own choosing feels wrong. He keeps attempting to reach out, and although I don't feel like I owe him anything, I do owe it to myself to try. It takes so much more energy to be bitter and unforgiving.
Therapy this week was very hard, but it was also a great session. My therapist is pushing me more to feel and get angry, and also to figure out why I'm so afraid of expressing my anger. I'm afraid that my anger will push people to leave. I'm also afraid of the intense emotions of others. I'll do anything to avoid conflict or confrontation. I usually just shut down, and become silent. In therapy, I'm learning to use my voice. We practice a lot, but my poor tharapist is taking the brunt of my anger at the moment. She points out to me that she isn't going anywhere just because I get angry with her. That is good to know. Right now, I'm pushing down some of the intense emotions that I feel by restricting my food intake, but I think even that is getting better. I'm making more of an effort to eat, even when I don't feel like I can. The hardest part of eating right now is contolling the urge to purge. The feeling of fullness is overwhelming, and I have to remind myself that it will pass if I can give it time. Being so filled with emotions is hard enough, and adding food on top of it can feel like too much to handle.
The next two weeks are going to be so busy with holiday activities. We are putting our tree up today, so that will help to get me in the spirit. My nutritionist asked me how the holiday's would be if I continue to restrict, so I need to think about that. Restricting tends to numb my feelings, even the good ones. I want to be present, and to enjoy Christmas with my family, so I'm going to make every effort to increase my food intake. I want to feel the joy!


Anonymous said...

Although your father let you down, you came into this world through him because your souls are connected. Maybe in forgiving and trying to love him again you would find the peace and joy you seek.