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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

An Uncontrollable Fury


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Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence.
Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. "I'm sorry," I say to myself, and I am. So sorry.
Tomorrow I have therapy, and already I can feel anger being directed at my therapist. I recognize that this is transference of my anger at others being projected on to her. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I'm squirming just thinking about it. I've been dreaming up different scenarios in my mind about ways to terminate our relationship. I've never wanted to push someone away so much in my life. Everything feels like it is closing in on me, my emotions boiling just beneath the surface, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do this, and I'm afraid that it is going to happen anyway. Deep inside, there is an uncontrollable fury waiting to combust, and the word that scares me the most, is uncontrollable.

13 Comments:

clean and crazy said...

i am so there. we had therapy tonight and right now i hate my therapist. and wes is trying to be loving to me. but the session was not a loving session.
i want to end this relationship, i am so angry right now i want to scream and break everything. i want to make him hurt as much as i hurt. towards the end of the session she, the therapist, gave us our 24 hour rule. we are not allowed to talk about the session with each other for 24 hours. he said "does that apply to us or other people as well?" and the therapist asked why and he told her that after the last session i called someone and he could hear me talking about our session!!!! i went into the bedroom so i could talk in private and he listened to the conversation!! i am supposed to just stuff everything!! i am not humanly capable of doing so, i start slamming doors and getting angry because i cannot talk about what is wrong. the last session was two weeks ago and this is the first i heard of him being upset. so i am not the only one who can't communicate.
so the two of them agreed i am not to talk to anyone for 24 hours or at least not in earshot.
now she wants to have a session with me alone and then with the both of us. i don't want to i feel worse after i go to the session then before. i need to just i don't know what i am so angry right now and he won't go to bed. he wants me to come and be with him and i hate him right now. it feels ugly but that is where i am. i understand you being angry at the people who try to coddle you to eat, it feels condescending, like you are some little kid for them to coddle. thanks for listening i really need to blog now.

Grace said...

(((Angela))) I hear your anger and fear in your writing. Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing....
~ Grace

ghost girl said...

i can feel your anger in your writing as well. Im sorry things are so intense and hard... your writing is beautiful.
shawna

Mad Bird said...

Have you seen Dandelion Girl's (glitter in the wind) idea for December? You should check it out. Lovely idea, I think.

http://glitterinthewind.blogspot.com/2009/12/reply-for-present-and-support-thinnies.html

Anonymous said...

What an exhausting way to live every day. I wish you had the strength to live life more positively. Somehow you need to find the joy in life. Maybe some day.

Ruth said...

Therapy is tough, I've tried it a few times and it seemed to make things worse, not better. Talking to the therapist would just make me upset and didn't solve any of my issues. Last time I tried the therapist actually said we should stop after a couple months because after a while I just couldn't talk in the sessions.

I hear the fear you're having too, I get something similar sometimes. I've been living with my elderly parents for a while, every now and then one of them makes a comment to the effect that I should be trying to work out another place to live. Not that they're kicking me out, just they want me to be thinking about it. It puts cold shivers down my spine! I've been trying to figure it out for years, I just don't see any options. I know it would be good for me to go off on my own, but there just seems to be no way--it's as if once they're gone I'm just going to curl up and die.

I almost feel (like you said) like I'm in some in-between world, not wanting to die but at the same time scared to live, you know?

Ann said...

Aw Angela I'm so sorry. Like others have said I can hear the anger also. As well as the frustration. This time of year always seems to intensify all those feelings and overwhelm us. Just try and take it one step at a time,

PJ said...

pull yourself together girl! when you numb your feelings you aren't able to work through them. you need to embrace those feelings, all of them. they are all valid, they are all part of you. feel them, accept them, and move through them. by numbing them, you are allowing them to continue. only you can do this angela, only you.

much love to you my friend!

thepsychobabble said...

I realize we have different 'issues' in the mental dept. but, in my experience, I've found that those I try hardest to push away, are usually the ones I need the most.

Which means they have the most potential to hurt me, somehow. Which is why I push them away, because why wait to get hurt when you can be on the other side of it?

Yeah. Not healthy, but at least I'm starting to ~understand~ a little more.

Lenox Knits said...

We have the opposite relationship with food from each other but I think that they are equally damaging. I really think with therapy as in most things in life it is harder before it can get better. All I can say is I hope you don't give up.

dawn said...

sometimes there is nothing left to do except ride out the storm...
We are all afraid at times.

Lee said...

((((((((((((((angie))))))))))))))))
Hang on girl. Never give up. We love you.

Jennifer said...

It's several days later now. Hope you are all right. Anger has a place in all of this, of course. Sometimes it's hard to tell the righteous anger from the self-defeating kind (I'm not assuming one way or the other here).