An Uncontrollable Fury
Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence.
Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. "I'm sorry," I say to myself, and I am. So sorry.
Tomorrow I have therapy, and already I can feel anger being directed at my therapist. I recognize that this is transference of my anger at others being projected on to her. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I'm squirming just thinking about it. I've been dreaming up different scenarios in my mind about ways to terminate our relationship. I've never wanted to push someone away so much in my life. Everything feels like it is closing in on me, my emotions boiling just beneath the surface, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do this, and I'm afraid that it is going to happen anyway. Deep inside, there is an uncontrollable fury waiting to combust, and the word that scares me the most, is uncontrollable.
Comments
i want to end this relationship, i am so angry right now i want to scream and break everything. i want to make him hurt as much as i hurt. towards the end of the session she, the therapist, gave us our 24 hour rule. we are not allowed to talk about the session with each other for 24 hours. he said "does that apply to us or other people as well?" and the therapist asked why and he told her that after the last session i called someone and he could hear me talking about our session!!!! i went into the bedroom so i could talk in private and he listened to the conversation!! i am supposed to just stuff everything!! i am not humanly capable of doing so, i start slamming doors and getting angry because i cannot talk about what is wrong. the last session was two weeks ago and this is the first i heard of him being upset. so i am not the only one who can't communicate.
so the two of them agreed i am not to talk to anyone for 24 hours or at least not in earshot.
now she wants to have a session with me alone and then with the both of us. i don't want to i feel worse after i go to the session then before. i need to just i don't know what i am so angry right now and he won't go to bed. he wants me to come and be with him and i hate him right now. it feels ugly but that is where i am. i understand you being angry at the people who try to coddle you to eat, it feels condescending, like you are some little kid for them to coddle. thanks for listening i really need to blog now.
~ Grace
shawna
I hear the fear you're having too, I get something similar sometimes. I've been living with my elderly parents for a while, every now and then one of them makes a comment to the effect that I should be trying to work out another place to live. Not that they're kicking me out, just they want me to be thinking about it. It puts cold shivers down my spine! I've been trying to figure it out for years, I just don't see any options. I know it would be good for me to go off on my own, but there just seems to be no way--it's as if once they're gone I'm just going to curl up and die.
I almost feel (like you said) like I'm in some in-between world, not wanting to die but at the same time scared to live, you know?
much love to you my friend!
Which means they have the most potential to hurt me, somehow. Which is why I push them away, because why wait to get hurt when you can be on the other side of it?
Yeah. Not healthy, but at least I'm starting to ~understand~ a little more.
We are all afraid at times.
Hang on girl. Never give up. We love you.