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Saturday, November 28, 2009

On The Verge

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I'm not sure what I want to write, only that I have the need to write. I have an unsettled feeling, as if something big is on the verge of happening. It's not a good or bad feeling, but I feel a certain amount of breathlessness, and a sense of waiting. Maybe it is only that I don't know what to do when everything seems calm. I wait for the next calamity. There is always this underlying current that something bad is going to happen, or that I'm undeserving of good. I'm afraid that it is all going to be taken away from me at any moment. Why is it so hard for me to live in the present? That has been my goal during the Thanksgiving break, and for the most part, I'm doing well. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, although I did miss my mom, dad, and brother. I taught my niece Riley, and her cousin how to knit, so that was how I spent most of the day. I tried to eat what I could. It wasn't much, but I didn't push myself at all, and that was what I had planned on doing. Yesterday I spent the day with a former student that I worked with for a few years. Her mom and sister came to pick me up, and we all went shopping and bowling. It was so much fun, and I realized how lucky I am to have so many people who care about me, and that I matter to people. Last year was so hard. I didn't matter to myself, and I didn't want to be alive. The world felt so dark, and small. When I look back on that time, I can see how far I have come. I may still have issues that I need to work on, but I'm here, and I feel like I'm trying to embrace this life. I'm certainly aware and grateful for all of the good that I have.

5 Comments:

Anonymous said...

What is going to happen is that we are getting ready to come to town. That is enough to scare the world to death.

You have come along ways, keep up the good work. I will have a surprise for you when we come to town.

So here are some idioms to live by;

It is what it is!

Not everything that glimmers is gold:

Is that the pot calling the kettle black:

More to come later.

Love ya

Old Man in Florida

Angela said...

I'm very excited that both of you will be here for Christmas, and that you are staying for awhile. You are usually just in and out, so it will be nice to spend some time together. I'm really looking forward to it.
Love you too:)

stigma no more said...

Hi Angela,
I am so proud of the progress you have made. I know how that feeling is, when everything is going great I feel like the other shoe is going to drop and anxiety rises in my mind. I try to talk myself into letting go of that, that it is ok to be happy and live in the moment. My favorite saying is "Progress,not Perfection". That helps me forgive myself and let go for the moment, and get back into the here and now which is really great right now for me.
Thanks for sharing,
Janet :)

Ann said...

Keeping yourself occupied with things that you enjoy doing has always been the best medicine for me when I'm trying to avoid the feelings that bring me down.

PJ said...

you have come a long way in just the time that i have come to know you. for that you should be proud. as far as issues, everyone has them, there is always something. no one is issue free, no one. keep the awareness and use that whenever you need. much love to you my friend...hugz!