Tuesday, December 8, 2009

On The Inside


It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my mind getting in the way. My thoughts aren't even whole, complete thoughts, but fragments, and flashing images. I'm also going to talk to my psychiatrist about this, because it make me feel close to insanity, and it can't be normal. I just don't want to fall into the deep depression that I was in last year at this time. I can feel myself sinking, and I want to catch it before it gets that far. I'm glad that I can recognize the symptoms, and reach out for help. If lasts years suicide attempt has taught me anything, it is that I'm not alone with this. This time I'm going to use the support.


clean and crazy said...

where abouts in kansas are you, i live in wichita, we were supposed to get snow, but we got wet and cold instead, my little ones and i have been waiting very impatiently for snow. i haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks. i know what you mean about not finishing thoughts.
it was such a struggle today to be aware of myself and not yelling at my 4 year old. she is such a struggle with self will and she is so much like her mother. she screams a lot and hits herself and pitches some of the most god awful fits in the world. i did this when i was a kid as well. it was so hard to talk to her calmly without yelling. and it felt like i was bottling my rage not letting it out. it scared me, i thought i was going to explode for not yelling when i felt it was appropriate. it is very draining to struggle with emotions. i am so very tired now. tonight when she was screaming NO in my face i raised my hand to hit her. i thought i was going to hit her in her face. it scared me. i got up and walked to the room and sat on the bed trying to figure out why i was so angry. but i didn't yell at her, but i sure felt hot inside. i made my oldest help me, there were still so many chores to do and i couldn't tend to the children and my chores so i made her help put them to bed and when i got angry i had her go and talk to her sister as i was very upset. but i was speaking rationally. it was like it wasn't me. i haven't spoken with my sponsor in a while and i know i need to.
other then learning not to yell i am really in great spirits, i have been playing with my children and everything, it is dealing with my 4 year olds temper tantrums, like an adult that i have an issue with. take care of you, hope the therapy goes well. does it ever? i mean so far i have not really enjoyed the whole therapy thing. i am hoping it will help but so far it just makes me feel bad.

Angela said...

I live in Olathe. It is snowing right now, but all it did was rain all day long. I'm sorry that your 4 yr old is such a struggle. I remember when my four were little. It was overwhelming at times! Hang in there. It does get better. As for therapy...sometimes a lightbulb goes off, and things make more sense, and then at other times it is very draining and upsetting. Ultimately, I think it has helped me so much. I love my therapist, and I'm pretty attached to her. Sometimes too much so. I would say to keep trying. Talking things through is so much better than keeping things bottled inside.
Take care!

Mom said...

The fragmented thoughts are normal for clinical depression. I experience the same thing at times and find it difficult to sleep when my mind is racing in this way.

As for the bleak winter, find ways to brighten up your world. Buy yourself fresh cut flowers. Find the beauty that is to be seen even in the coldest and bleakest winter days. The trees can be quite beautiful when their leaves are gone and their branches are dripping with water or shadowed by a grey sky.

Recognizing the symptoms is also a very important step to being in control of the illness.

Angela said...

Thank you Mom~
Great ideas:)

Poetic Shutterbug said...

I think it is somewhat normal what you are feeling now during this season. I also think it's wonderful that you are knitting and being creative. That's one thing I always wanted to learn, knitting but was never too good at it. Keep it up.

SGR said...

Woof! Glad you are aware of your symptoms. It can be difficult but stay strong. I'm sending you my Golden Healing Thoughts, Woof Sugar

Ruth said...

I think it's great that you're knitting too, I haven't been doing my crochet lately and I've been kind of in a funk myself--not finding any inspiration in my yarn stash at the moment, time to go shopping maybe? :-) I ordered some painting supplies recently too, maybe I'll do something different and take my Etsy shop in a new direction.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade--or, to put it another way, when the sh!t hits the fan make compost! LOL!

Lenox Knits said...

If I didn't have my knitting i know that I would go insane. it helps me to slow my brain down too. I am very twitchy and picky. I am a nail biter and before knitting I would pick my nails down to bloody stubbs. Knitting helps me to focus that energy into something positive.
I agree that the fragmented thoughts thing is probably a symptom of the depression but i would talk to your therapist about it. I've been in that place before myself and it is a very scary thing to not be able to follow your thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I hate winter too. The lack of sunshine only adds to depression. Take care of yourself and increase your vitamin D!

Anonymous said...

Screw the flowers...get out of town!! Nothing can change the nasty cold weather there, who is she kidding.

I am going to rethink my trip up there and cut it from 10 to 10 hours. Sorry, can't do it, have to go play golf now. Write you later.

Old Warm Man in Florida

Ruth said...

Me too Lenox! I'd love to get a manicure just to try to get them looking better but there's nothing there for a manicurist to work with.

I had a nice hot shower this morning (wind chill factor today is NINE DEGREES! Yikes!) and worked on my Art course for a couple hours--I am constantly amazed at how messy charcoal is. Got the next module in the mail yesterday--pastels! YAY! I get to play with colors now! :-)