Freedom

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, and I told her about my problems with sleep, the racing thoughts, and the anxiety. I think the anxiety coincides with the racing thoughts. My mind gets stuck on a loop of past mistakes, or stupid little things that I've done or said, and I tend to replay them over and over again, until the anxiety builds up, and I walk around feeling like a horrible person. My psychiatrist changed the dosages on my medications and hopefully that will help. I hate having to rely on medication, but I'm facing the fact that I will probably be on them for a long time, if not the rest of my life. *SIGH* Half of my week is going to be spent seeing my treatment team. Tomorrow is therapy and Thursday is my nutritionist. I think that I've done better with food in the past few days. I ate what everyone else was eating for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I ate breakfast this morning. I get full so easily though because my stomach has shrunk due to the lack of food. I can barely stand the feeling of being full, so I really try to avoid it. I've been reading a lot of eating disorder books lately, trying to find answers for myself, and I often get overwhelmed with how far I have to go. It does help to read about the recovery journey's that other people have taken. I'm also inspired by many of the recovery blogs that I visit. I know that there is hope for me, and even when I feel like giving up, there is always an inner voice that whispers, "You can do it." The eating disorder is so loud that sometimes I can't hear it very well, but still I have faith that it is deep inside of me, hanging on tightly. I know that I hold on to the fear as if my life depended on it, and if I could only let go, I would see that there is freedom for me.

Skipping Meals And Appetite Problems

Although I feel calmer than I have in awhile, I've still been struggling with food. Part of the problem is that I have zero appetite. This morning my husband reminded me to grab a protein bar, and also pointed out that I didn't eat dinner last night. Honestly dinner slipped my mind, because I wasn't at all hungry, and then I fell asleep before everyone else ate. My husband has been great about fixing dinner for everyone because I've been so tired when I get home lately. Those busy little kindergarteners wear me out in the afternoon. It is hard when my appetite doesn't cue me to eat. I know that sticking with a meal plan would help me to stay on track, but the meal plan that my nutritionist would like me to follow seems like too much food to eat, especially every day. I know that is probably a cop out, but I'm so afraid that I will gain weight if I eat that much. I think that I just can't eat as much as everyone else does. I'm not unhappy with my weight the way it is, or at least not terribly unhappy, but I would definitely not like to see it go up! If anyone has some suggestions for me, feel free to leave me a comment. I would like to be able to challenge these thoughts.
I saw my psychiatrist last week, and she gave me a new prescription for my anxiety, and it also is helping me to sleep better. I think it is helping the racing thoughts which tend to wake me up and keep me from sleeping.
Tomorrow Dave and I have a couples therapy session, which I hate. I know that they help, but I hate them just the same. I get so anxious beforehand, and that is probably because I feel like I may get attacked, or like everyone is going to say that I'm in the wrong. I don't like to be called out on behaviors such as not eating, but I understand why I have to be confronted. I always feel like I'm the problem, and that everyone wants to fix me. Ultimately I'm the one who has to want to fix myself, and I do. I tend to dig in my heels when pushed to change. My mom always said that I could be very stubborn:) Anyway...that is all for now. I hope that everyone is having a great start to their week.

Lazy

I'm feeling a bit down and lethargic at the moment. I need to get back on track after our busy weekend. The reunion was fun, but maybe I'm too old to party two nights in a row! Sunday, all I did was lay around, and now I'm feeling guilty for being so unproductive. I slept in this morning, so I'm not off to a great start. I think part of the reason that I'm down is that I didn't refill my medication in a timely manner, and I've missed a couple of doses. I called in my prescription this morning though, so that will help. I know, I know...not good! I saw my psychiatrist on Saturday, and she gave me something that should help with my insomnia and racing thoughts. It is called Risperidone, and I only have to take it as needed. I hate taking more medication, but I will try it. God, it feels like I've tried just about everything!
In other news, son #4 left for basketball camp yesterday. He is staying in the dorms at KU, and probably causing all kinds of trouble by now! He was so excited to leave. Tomorrow we are going to visit and watch them play some scrimmages. I miss him already, so it will be good to see him. He called awhile ago, and wanted us to bring him more food, even though he left here with a bag full of snacks to fill the mini fridge. With the boys home all summer, there is always someone in the kitchen eating, and I spend a lot of my time at the grocery store. In fact, that is where I need to go right now, so I will end this post. Hope everyone has a great week:)