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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Freedom

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I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, and I told her about my problems with sleep, the racing thoughts, and the anxiety. I think the anxiety coincides with the racing thoughts. My mind gets stuck on a loop of past mistakes, or stupid little things that I've done or said, and I tend to replay them over and over again, until the anxiety builds up, and I walk around feeling like a horrible person. My psychiatrist changed the dosages on my medications and hopefully that will help. I hate having to rely on medication, but I'm facing the fact that I will probably be on them for a long time, if not the rest of my life. *SIGH* Half of my week is going to be spent seeing my treatment team. Tomorrow is therapy and Thursday is my nutritionist. I think that I've done better with food in the past few days. I ate what everyone else was eating for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I ate breakfast this morning. I get full so easily though because my stomach has shrunk due to the lack of food. I can barely stand the feeling of being full, so I really try to avoid it. I've been reading a lot of eating disorder books lately, trying to find answers for myself, and I often get overwhelmed with how far I have to go. It does help to read about the recovery journey's that other people have taken. I'm also inspired by many of the recovery blogs that I visit. I know that there is hope for me, and even when I feel like giving up, there is always an inner voice that whispers, "You can do it." The eating disorder is so loud that sometimes I can't hear it very well, but still I have faith that it is deep inside of me, hanging on tightly. I know that I hold on to the fear as if my life depended on it, and if I could only let go, I would see that there is freedom for me.

10 Comments:

Just me said...

You have hope and you are strong. You CAN do it. Keep going! xxx

Haley said...

You're so right that you CAN recover. It is a long and difficult process. But you've gotta push through the uncomfortable times, keeping in mind that you will be so much happier without ED screaming at you.
I have faith in you Angela!
<3
P.s. Sorry I haven't commented in a while! I'm glad to see you're thinking positively!

Wanda's Wings said...

Angela,
I believe you are going to recover. You have the right attitude and that's half the battle.

Ann said...

Keep listening to that inner voice. You'll make it

Angela said...

To Anonymous~
I delete comments when they are rude or just plain insensitive, not because I don't want to face the truth. You say that I'm selfish because I don't write about my family or about the tragedy in Japan. I don't write about my family much because I respect the right to their privacy, and just because I didn't mention anything about Japan in my previous post, it doesn't mean that I don't care. Why do you continue to read my blog if you can't stand how selfish and self absorbed I am?

Angela said...

To everyone else who has commented, I thank you so much for your good thoughts and support. Your encouragement even when I'm not doing well pushes me to keep trying, and I appreciate it more than you'll ever know!

cudylant said...

I feel the exact same way about my medication!!!! But I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today had I not started taking them. I hope you have a good psychiatrist you really trust because that helps. My meds have had some strange side effects, but I compare it to the suffering I'm going through, and I'd take those side effects over feeling like this any day!

Hang in there! Praying for you this minute!

Anonymous said...

I think people read your blog in hopes that one day you will finally find the answers. I'm not sure the answer is getting replies only from people who tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to accept the truth, and perhaps you are deleting those entries because you don't want to see the truth. It's too painful and difficult to have someone push you and challenge you and force you to look at where you are failing. It's human nature to want to see someone succeed. Perhaps your success has been elusive because you aren't reaching out to the right people and you are hiding within this blog surrounding yourself with people who will only tell you what you want to hear. I think 99% of these replies are feeding your needs and desire to stay exactly where you are which is exactly where you want to be. Perhaps THAT is the truth.

Angela said...

Believe me, I get challenged in therapy and with my nutritionist every week. My family challenges my thinking all of the time. In treatment I was surrounded by a staff of people who weren't all warm and fuzzy. I have reached out to the right people. You are right about wanting to stay where I am. I've talked about that in many of my posts. I'm very ambivalant about recovery mainly because over half of my life has been spent living with an eating disorder. I know where I'm failing without someone who is anonymous pointing it out.

Sia Jane said...

It is a long and painful journey, but one I could not believe more in.
And I believe in you xxxx