Here and Now

This was a picture challenge over at Legacy Writers Of Harmony Pub http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=247157063 Tears for Joy in the Garden of Giants by Michaël Zancan @ Deviant Art Natures Hope Sun rays glint rain drips from her golden gates The moss that flows from your upturned palms pulsing with life Dreaming of morning glories entwined in your hair Breath and a smile Awaken and feel warmth and serenity A peaceful hope Angela Minard 2008

I'm up early and the house is quiet, so quiet it hums. I'm looking forward to today. I have some good, productive energy going on! I plan on tossing toys in the trash. My boys have grown up, so now our basement needs to do the same. Dave and I are getting together with our best friends, Angie and Ben later tonight for a barbeque at their house. It has been awhile since we've hung out, so I'm excited about seeing them and having some laughs. My youngest son, Roman went to The Lake Of The Ozarks with a friend, and won't return until Monday. I really feel his absence and miss his company very much. I know he is having an absolute blast though. He will be boating, tubing, fishing, making smore's... I can't wait to hear all about it! I just feel so good right now, and I want to hang on to it because I haven't felt like this in so long. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time, and more alive than ever. I think it is called feeling. Imagine that! It ma...

Sometimes all it takes is new eyes or just to take a moment to close your own eyes to see... I had a breakthrough emergency therapy session yesterday! Without going into details, my therapist led me through a visualization exercise, and it was an amazing journey for me. I have felt such a sense of peace ever since, and just typing this brings tears to my eyes. There really is nothing else to say. I just wanted to share the moment!

Morning Birds Morning birds tell their secrets to the sleepy houses one by one a light flickers on for coffee making groggy eyes scooping the bitter grounds pouring the water with an unsteady hand Percolating in rythym to the Robin's and Finches chirping and chattering The rest is just silence barely breathing to go through the motions of another day listening to the soft feathers that float from your mouth The light and airy lies you tell so well But this time no other day will pass You will go away Only the secret morning birds will stay Angela Minard 2008

I wrote this e-mail to my therapist a few days ago, as I'm really struggling with food and feeling hunger. It has been so long since I actually have felt the physical sensations of being hungry, and now that I'm once again feeling them, it is quite terrifying. "I want to get as far away from myself as possible. All of this eating and trying is like a bad joke. Each day that passes leaves me in more of a mess. I can't stand myself! *Claudia needs me to go too. I'm so tired of feeling like this. These feelings of hate and rage, no one else to stand up and take the pain. Always me. Eating makes the pain so unbearable...the rage and disgust that I feel knows no bounds. Only emptiness." *Claudia is my eating disorder I'm so afraid of the hunger that my first reaction is to try ignoring it and restricting my food, but eventually I give in and feel like a failure. It is a vicious cycle. I talked with my nutritionist, and she said to think of food and nutrition a...

The dog decided to go and sniff the cage of the rat. The rat decided to bite the nose of the dog. The dog is now afraid of the rat! Sleeping Dog(Phoebe) Sleeping Rat(Emery) Cute Dog(Phoebe) Cute Rat(Emery)

A friend of mine that I was in treatment with at Renfrew wrote this poem Affirmations Measuring self-esteem Is never done accurately on a scale Of pounds and ounces Kilograms and grams Nor calories and miles So lose your tape measure And stop checking your bones Let go of the sick jeans And photographs embracing emaciation Say goodbye to that porcelain god Withholding regurgitated meals Vomitron and Starvathons are over Mirrors are not meant to answer questions like Who's the fairest of them all It's okay to be healthy It is not my duty to be ill I deserve happiness Life And recovery And that is exactly what I'm pursuing Fully aware that there will be slips Bad days And triggers in seemingly innocent affairs But I am more than willing to take the risk To let go of this disease Because I would rather have the chance to be happy Than live one more day in sharing my life with my eating disorder I have nothing to lose

I dream in distortions a fun house mirror of horrors awake sweating swearing never to eat again too much of myself to loath I feel my body move beneath the sheets sinking heavy limbs unable to run from who I know I am

Today was the last day of school. Classroom cleaned, summer school boxes packed, kids hugged and hugged again. I will see most of them again in a week, and even the ones that I won't see in summer school, I still plan on seeing. It was a precious class this year, and next year the dynamics will change with four new kids, and two students not returning. The end of the year is always bittersweet. This group, put together was extraordinary, so I will miss it. I packed Emery "the rat" up in her to go cage and brought her home today. She is officially a member of the family for the summer. She is getting big, but still pretty darned cute! She nipped Phoebe on the nose a bit ago though, so I'm not sure how cute that she thinks she is. I'm sure that they will be great friends soon enough {I hope:)} There is just so much to think about. My oldest will be a senior next year, I will have one starting highschool, and one starting Jr. High. Only one grade schooler left for on...

I sit in my waste disgusting sloth beautifully dressed in ballerina clothes A quiet disguise to fool the fans I peel my scabs loosening the skin hoping to find the new underneath this body sick and tired of feeling the rolls of flesh that feed Everyday wanting more from me Wanting nothing but more, more, more and where is my control to stop these feelings of hunger, rage, huge gaping holes of need that threaten to take over what has always been mine

I try to hide in your branches of gold You paint my words my soul in primary colors so bright unable to be concealed in shadow or light Naked I stand illuminated Your brush strokes bold and sure

Remember how I kept locking my keys in the car? Waiting for you to come and rescue me. I'm doing it again. Maybe I think that eventually you will tire of scolding me. Abandoned in an empty parking lot trying to look as if I belong Leaving things misplaced keys, phone, an earring All replaceable like me because you tell me never to leave my keys in the car Why don't I listen? My mind is so loud that I can't hear a thing So loud tripping over my own feet while walking in the park Did someone see me? It hurts but no one can know No one can know that I hurt Angela Minard 2008

Last week it was your birthday and I think it strange that I know this That when I look at the calendar and see the date I know this basic fact about you A flash of anger that is new finally directed at you and not only at myself Anger for caring, for remembering when you could never be bothered... That was always mine You could never even miss me, and so I didn't matter I have made you invisible the way that you made me feel for so very long I wonder... Is that how you feel? Is that what I want? Petty and vindictive yes maybe... but still I don't want you anywhere near my life Angela Minard 2008

This is something that I wrote a few days before I was admitted to Renfrew Center, which is an in-patient eating disorder treatment facility. It was also the night that I almost committed suicide due to the stress of insurance and health care issues. Today I am just trying to take each moment as it comes, but still, the emotion overwhelms me. I went this morning to have my lab work done. I have spoken with my supervisors at work, and now we are just dealing with the money and insurance issues. It is very hard not to feel like I'm a burden. This is going to wipe us out financially. I feel hopeful and hopeless all at the same time, which is very strange and frightening. I also feel such pressure from myself. My therapist says that there is no way that I can fail, but it is very hard from where I am sitting to see it that way. I do think about just ending all of this. I have never been in the place where I either want recovery so much, or I just want to give up. I don't have an in...

The last day of Doodle Week has arrived, and I'm so glad that I participated! When I was in the 1st grade, a teacher told me that I was not very good at art, and ever since, I have stuck with music or writing as my creative outlets. It was fun to draw, and even if I'm not that great at it... Now, I'm getting too damned old to care! So, to that 1st grade teacher, "Screw You!"

Last evening Dave and I went to the Rosary service and visitation for our friend Kelly, who passed away last week after a long battle with breast cancer. It was difficult to say goodbye. She had such a bright, warm spirit and light about her, and to see her body without the radiation of her soul, was painful. I'm really not a fan of the open casket for that reason, but I also understand how some people may need to see the actual body so that they can process the loss. It was a Catholic service, with a saying of the Rosary. I am Catholic, but my husband isn't, so it was all new to him. (The Rosary is divided into five decades. Each decade represents a mystery or event in the life of Jesus. There are four sets of "Mysteries of the Rosary" (Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful, and Glorious). These four "Mysteries of the Rosary" therefore contain, a total of twenty mysteries. The Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful, and Glorious Mysteries. Public recitation of the Rosary (two o...

Inspired by Sydney

I Wonder How is it that in a day, something so devastating can happen that changes your world forever, and yet for a moment, it can be forgotten. You catch a smile, a laugh, the fleeting joy of being alive, dissipating with the remembrance of all that has been lost. Angela Minard 2008

This is a talking on the phone doodle:)

My 200th post came and went, and I forgot to celebrate! This is my 212th post on this blog, and the need to write is still very strong. I have begun carrying a tiny notebook in my purse to write down my thoughts and ideas, due to a lost poem a few weeks ago. I had this poem swirling around in my head, but nothing to write on or with. It was very frustrating for the words to continually slip in and out of my mind, unable to hold on to them. Maybe it wasn't meant to be at the time, as I don't really believe that a poem can truly be lost, but only postponed until the right moment. Still, the notebook and array of colorful gel pens riding in my purse are an extra bit of comfort for those times when the words feel like they must get out.

This Mask I Wear Only revealed in shadow with steady gaze the bare reflection guarded flesh pale and colorless vacant eyes fake a smile and pretend focus on the application fingers dipped in shimmers of light paint, gloss, to hide the features covered and lost in the mirror Angela Minard 2008

~My Boys~ (L to R) Justice#3, Roman#4, Christian#1, and Logan #2 My sister-in- law gave me this beautiful pastel portrait of my boys on Mother's Day six years ago. They have grown and changed so much! Being a good mother is one of the accomplishments that I am most proud of. Yeah, sometimes I screw up, but for the most part, I do okay. I am so very blessed!

In honor of Doodle Week, here is my flower doodle. It is for the most amazing and courageous woman I know. My mom. Mom, I love you more than words can ever say. I'm looking forward to our time spent together. Happy Mother's Day!

A friend of mine passed away yesterday after a 10 year battle with breast cancer. I just found out this morning, so today I have been filled with a huge ache. Her husband and two young daughters must feel so lost without her. Why does it seem like it is always the good people who have to leave this world so soon. She has left her pain behind, and now it is up to her loved ones to carry on and share the joy that she brought to this world. It is unimaginable to visit that place...and so for now, I will attempt to stay in the present, where I belong.

Roman played a great basketball game today. Way to go # 5! #5 goofing around before the game. Getting ready to start the game. Guess this is called, "tipping the ball." While waiting for the game to start, the little sister of one of the players said, "In case anyone gets hurt, I have an icepack in my purse." So cute, I had to share!

Before the Carnage I'm having quite a bit of anxiety over our backyard. Our house backs up to a greenway that is seperated by a small creek, and beyond that creek, another subdivision. It used to feel very private behind our house until a giant Caterpillar came through, eating everything in it's path to make room for a bike/hiking trail. Now I feel wide opened and exposed. I hate it! People keep walking through our yard to check it out, and it is surprisingly upsetting to me. I'm afraid when it is dark, and I put our dog out on her leash, that someone is going to jump out at me. It just feels really spooky. I hope that we will be able to get a fence soon, although I know that if someone was going to be evil, they could do it with or without a fence. My world feels unsafe at the moment... After:(

I'm sharing the doodle of my 11 yr old son, Roman.

Meet the newest member of our classroom. Emery the rat~ Isn't she cute! One of our students, Bianca, just loves rats, so when she found out that the rat in the student naturalist class was having babies, she begged and begged to have one. She already loves it so much. Emery is too small to live in the big cage yet without squeezing through the wire, so for now she is in a small cage. Today Bianca took the cage into our little tent and sat inside, talking and cooing to Emery like a new mother- in- love. We only have two more weeks of school left, so Emery will be coming home with me for the summer. My youngest son, Roman is especially excited. My husband on the other hand, is not. I really can't understand why. Just look at that face!

It is 4:00 a.m., and I am mentally tired of being me. I cannot seem to find a calm and peaceful place, at least not for longer than a moment. Sleep comes and goes, but mostly I run on nervous energy, filled with unexplainable fears that turn my mind over and over until all that I want to do is cower into a dark corner and disappear. I had what I thought was a panic attack on the school bus at work on Monday afternoon. My heart began to race, and the bus felt as if it was moving at three times its speed. Everything was so loud, and racing by so fast. I literally wanted to crawl under the seat of the bus. What would the students have thought of that? This lady is in charge of us? Great! I just kept taking slow, deep breaths, and holding on to the serenity charm that my therapist gave me. When I called to tell her about it, she said that it sounded more like a manic episode than a panic attack. My meds are being adjusted right now, and all I want is to be normal, whatever that is! She th...

Everything You ask of me "What am I to you?" Don't make me say out loud As if only I could shout Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend You keep the panic from creeping up my throat like wayward vines that threaten to choke And in the darkness of my mind your voice finds me softly Soothes me when I fear I've lost my way So, when you ask, "What am I to you?" as I stare silently at the ground Take my hand and feel what I can never say Sun, wind, stars Mother, Father, friend Everything Angela Minard 2008

All-American Girl I read about her silent perfection in the library at lunchtime Filled with laughing girls The crude language of boys Behind opened books a dark mind She, who has everything held in her pristinely manicured fingers that tremble with jumbled colors bouncing in the palm of her hand Because all she can ever hear is Fur Elise ringing in her ears Angela Minard 2008

I love Angela Shelton! I still cannot read the part in this interview, about the seventeen year old girl who committed suicide, without bursting into tears. Suffering in silence can be deadly. I highly recommend this book! This is an interview with Angela Shelton that I found on http://dosomething.org Angela is such an inspiration, so I thought that I would share. Do Something: You didn't start the Finding Angela Shelton journey thinking the main theme would be about abuse - your own and so many other Angelas' - did you? Angela Shelton: No. As I was traveling, I connected with the Angelas as victims of abuse and violence. I knew then that I had to talk about child abuse (in the film and book), especially sexual abuse, because it's an epidemic. Violence and abuse breeds silence, but the self abuse that often follows is totally silent. I see that a lot in teens. I see self-mutilation, substance addiction, sex and love addiction, all in an effort to fill the void. DS: This h...

Ever since I found out about my friend Peter changing his name when he was a little boy, it has me thinking about the signifigance of a name, and how it shapes who we are. It also reminds me of my own name change around the age of six, when for a short period of time, I insisted that my friends call me Victoria because my mother had mentioned that the name had been considered, before deciding on Angela. Victoria sounded much more regal and befitting of the princess that I wanted to be! I thought that it might be fun to write a name poem. If you try one of your own, I hope that you will share. Here is mine~ A My Name Is... I'm rarely an Angela Ang, Mom, Honey Miss Angie to name a few My Noni called me Angel and of course she knew! but what is my name really? deep inside my soul Hmmm... Let me think awhile and then get back to you "A name should be taken as an act of liberation, of celebration, of intention. A name should be a magical invocation to the muse. A name should be a ...

My girl came to school today, and it was so great to have her back! The other students missed her just as much, if not more, than I did. They all let her know in their own special ways! We started the day by celebrating Cinco de Mayo with a pinata. The kids took turns pulling the strings to find the one that would free all of the loot, but of course, those strings never work, and we were still forced to beat it to death to get to the good stuff. It never hurts to begin the week by releasing any pent up aggression, and a pinata does the trick. I definitely recommend it! It was a good day.