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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A Calm And Peaceful Place

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It is 4:00 a.m., and I am mentally tired of being me. I cannot seem to find a calm and peaceful place, at least not for longer than a moment. Sleep comes and goes, but mostly I run on nervous energy, filled with unexplainable fears that turn my mind over and over until all that I want to do is cower into a dark corner and disappear. I had what I thought was a panic attack on the school bus at work on Monday afternoon. My heart began to race, and the bus felt as if it was moving at three times its speed. Everything was so loud, and racing by so fast. I literally wanted to crawl under the seat of the bus. What would the students have thought of that? This lady is in charge of us? Great! I just kept taking slow, deep breaths, and holding on to the serenity charm that my therapist gave me. When I called to tell her about it, she said that it sounded more like a manic episode than a panic attack. My meds are being adjusted right now, and all I want is to be normal, whatever that is! She thinks that I may be a little bi-polar. Is there such a thing as a little bi-polar? My list of craziness is growing~ ptsd, depression, bouts of ocd, anorexia, dissociation, panic attacks, and now, manic episodes which could indicate that I'm bi-polar...Jeesh!

My husband just came downstairs to check on me because he is worried, but his worry feels more like anger. It all just makes me feel so guilty for putting him through all of this, and if I could control it, I would. Anyway, that is my crazy morning rant for the day. I would still rather be this way than depressed and sleeping all of the time. Really, all I want is to be calm and steady, without the racing thoughts, but to still have energy. Writing seems to be the only way to sort out what goes on in my mind. Of course without the writing, my house would probably be spotless like it used to be! Oh well... Time to get ready for work.
On that upbeat note...


Hope everyone has a wonderful day:)

6 Comments:

jakill said...

Hang in there, Angel. Hope you find the writing cathartic.

Anonymous said...

Thought of the Day:

As George's dad said in Seinfeld;

"Serenity NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who is your daddy.

Love

Waterrose said...

hugs to you.

Waterrose said...

hugs to you.

The Speaker said...

As far as the growing list goes: they are just labels, just words slapped on paper or mentioned to explain things that simply are unexplainable- I could not even begin to tell you the long list of diagnonsenses I have growing. That doesn't say anything about your character Angie. You are a beautiful strong courageous woman! so what if you have bi-polar!? Mental illness is a typical response to the amount of trauma you have endured. It is your minds way of protecting. You and I can have all of these disorders together and still live beautiful lives filled with happiness.

I love you.

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