The Magic Of Glitter

I have finished my work on journal #2800 today. Tomorrow it will begin it's journey, and I'm really hoping that I don't lose track of it, although the history of the 1000 journals project says that I will. Hopefully the survivors that contribute will find that some healing comes from speaking their truth. I was struggling with flashbacks and painful memories today. All that I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and drift as far away as possible, but instead, I opened up the journal, started cutting and sprinkling glitter, and when I was finished, I somehow felt connected to myself again. Healing takes time, but a little glitter never hurt anything either!

Grateful

I feel alone and afraid. There are times when I'm still not in control of the flashbacks. The flashbacks that physically hurt are hard for me to pull out of, as too many of my senses are overwhelmed. How can I not be grateful for my ability to dissociate?

Sexual Healing

I just started reading a book called The Sexual Healing Journey; A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz. Our couples therapist recommended it awhile back, and I am just now feeling strong enough to delve into it, although there have been a few times when I have just had to put it down and cry. Right now I am reading a section about "learning to be in your body" which is something that I really struggle with. The author talks about how many survivors of sexual abuse cope with physical and emotional pain by "leaving" their bodies during the attack, tuning out body needs and disowning parts of their body as a way of surviving the abuse. This was something that I did while I was being raped, or anytime that I would experience flashbacks of the abuse, and at the time it definitely served a purpose. Unfortunately, this has become my automatic reaction to sexual intimacy, and as hard as I try to stay present, I am yet unable to do this. It is something that I want to change, but at the same time, it terrifies me to think about changing something that is a form of protection. Sadly, why do I need to protect myself my husband, someone that I know would never purposely hurt me?

One of the exercises for "learning to be in your body" is to look at yourself naked in a mirror, and I can tell you right now, that this one is going to be hard! The author says that "because of abuse, many survivors fail to get the message that your body belongs to you, and internalizing this concept is essential to sexual healing because it is a way of undoing the false, learned self-concept that you are a sexual object." It is part of reclaiming your body as your own, which I understand is important, and something that I want and need to learn how to do. I tend to look at myself in bits and pieces, failing to take in the whole picture. In a way, it is how I also remember the abuse. I see it in fragments, because to piece together the incident in all of it's ugly entirety is just too painful.

Sleeping With An Eating Disorder

Yum! Sanitized Tape Worms...Easy To Swallow...No Ill Effects!

Sadly, I guarantee you that if this product was being sold on our drug store shelves, there would be people out there buying it!

Speaking of strange and disturbing, I have had strangely disturbing dreams about food lately. (not that dreaming of food is all that unusual for me)
I could go for days without food passing my lips, except in my dreams, where I would hungrily devour all of the food that I denied myself while awake. Morning would come, and with it, self-loathing and disgust, just for simply wanting. It has been months since I've had that type of food dream. I'm eating regularly, so there is no longer any reason to feed myself through my dreams, so I suppose that I'm trying to make sense of the strange dreams that I've had just recently. (If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!)
In one of these dreams, I am choosing items from a cafeteria type setting, and as I place the items on my tray, huge spiders and other insects begin to crawl out of the food. In another dream, I am sitting in a restaurant, and as I lift my fork to my mouth, the food on the utensil transforms into a fork full of squirming maggots. Mmmmm, delicious!
My theory is that it is my eating disorder (aka Claudia) trying to turn me away from food by making it as unappetizing as possible. Isn't that Claudia so clever? Well, at least she would like to think so anyway!
My therapist thinks that this is my anxiety over food and eating coming out in my dreams, now that I'm beginning to conquer those fears on a daily basis. I think that we are both right:) Either way, the insects do make me feel a bit queasy, so hopefully these sorts of dreams won't stick around for long!

I Write

I Write

I choose a random page
from the journal
to begin a story
that I have told before.
Although still,
I cannot speak
most of these words aloud.
A random page
for a random crime.
I remind myself as I write,
that it was another place,
another time.
There is a phrase
so often
that I repeat in my mind,
and as I write,
it is the anchor
that holds my pen to the page.
"I am here, I am now."

Angela Minard 2008

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday

Today it rains in Rome.
March 23rd, 2008.
Watching the clouds
that cling to the stillness,
behind the Basilica of St. Peter.
It is 12:22 p.m.
The bruised purple sky of dawn
is soaking through my windows,
and I am here, at home.

Angela Minard 2008

The Naked Journal #2800

My dear friend, Jessieh is going to design the cover art for the journal, so I will be sending it off to her as soon as I'm finished with it, but here it is in it's very stark, naked state.

Dates, Dressing Up, And Doodling

Dave and I went out on a date Thursday night, and it was so nice to be out on our own. First we went to the movies and saw Juno, which we both really enjoyed. I want to see it again, it was that good! After the movie we went out to dinner, and just talked and talked. I had really missed that. It is hard to get involved in a deep conversation when you have a house full of kids ready to interrupt at any moment. After dinner, we met a few of Dave's friends at a sport's bar, watched some basketball, and had a few beers. It was a good time, and something that we need to do more often.

I can't believe that my spring break is almost over. I also cannot believe that tomorrow is Easter. We always spend Easter at my brother and sister-in-laws, with all of Dave's family. I'm looking forward to seeing my neices all dressed up in their Easter outfits. My boys, on the other hand, will look like urchins, as they all refuse to dress up, and although we kept meaning to get haircuts over the break, that never did happen. It is something that I don't worry about much anymore. I used to care so much about appearances, and what other people thought, but I'm beginning to let go of some of those concerns. Life is filled with so much more that is important!

I'm feeling very excited and quite passionate about the journal project that I started. I only have one more space left to be filled, so I'm going to start working on mine today so that I can get it mailed off to the next person in line. {For more info, refer to the 1000 Journals post from a few days ago.} My mom and I were talking about it, and as a sexual abuse survivor herself, she was thinking about signing up for the journal, but she said that she didn't think that she would actually be able to tell her story. She feels like she lacks the courage, which I find so strange. To me , she is one of the most courageous women I know. I think that it is less about courage, and more about freedom. The beauty of this project is that a story does not only have to be be told in words. It can be drawn, doodled, collaged, painted...I'm looking forward to seeing the many forms and directions this project takes.

"The greatest things ever done on Earth have been done little by little."~ William Jennings Bryan

Bragging

I'm going to do a little bit of bragging right now because I think this is the first time that I've ever won anything before. Healing Through Creativity sponsored an art competition through their website http://healingthroughcreativity.org, so I sent in a few of my poems, and my poem Little Girl Lost won the writing portion of the competition. It makes me feel so great to know that through my poetry I can reach out and touch other people. Their website is a wonderful forum for trauma survivors and has great resources for help and healing. Stop by and check it out!

The 1000 Journals Project

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com
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I thought that this was such a wonderful idea, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. So many of us keep our abuse a secret, but there is such freedom in breaking the silence. I kept my secret for almost thirty years, until it began to eat away at my soul. What I could not say out loud, I was able to write. I wrote every detail and memory that I could think of, and then I gave it to my therapist to read. Eventually I was able to talk about what had happened to me, and the more that I could talk about it, the less power it had over my life.
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I started a journal for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story, poetry, and artwork. This will be an ongoing project, with the journal circulating throughout the country. There is such power in breaking the silence. If you would like to sign up to receive the journal, there are five spaces open at the moment. Go to http://1001journals.com and sign up for journal #2800.
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Building The Ark Is On Hold For Now

Ahhhh... Sweet sunshine! I feel excitement about this day for no particular reason whatsoever, and that in itself, makes me smile. It doesn’t really take much to make me happy. Just a little sunshine. I accomplished quite a bit around the house during the days of rain, so today I feel free to do whatever I damn well please! I’m not sure what that will be at the moment, but at least I know that I won’t have to get started on building that ark like I thought that I would. I will just see where this day takes me. I see my therapist and my nutritionist later this afternoon. I have been following my meal plan, and have even been able to incorporate some "fun foods" into my week, like candy at the movies, and jalapeno poppers, which I really love!

Did I hear somebody ask what I have been knitting lately? Well, I just finished a light and airy white scarf for spring, and yesterday I started working on a purple chenille throw for the living room. Thanks for asking!

Well, I’m off to start my day and cause some trouble here and there.

Let’s all make it fabulous!

More On Change

Navigating Through Change

Dave and I have a couples therapy session this morning, and here I am in the early morning hours, trying to form full thoughts, and piece together in my mind exactly what it is that I want to say when I get in there. I so often feel like our relationship is that of parent/child, not husband/wife, and trying to figure out all of the reasons why I feel that way. Maybe it is the lack of freedom that I feel. Having to account for every single thing that I do, where I go, every penny that I spend, how I spend and manage my time. Having to give reasons for all of that, and feeling like those reasons are never good enough. Dave has said that I am not who he married, and I wonder what it is that he misses. He fears that he is losing me, just when I have finally found me. None of this probably makes any sense, but I have faith that we will find our way, and really, that is all that matters. Maybe it is in this process of growth and change that I feel the need to fight for freedom.

She Whispers

I've eaten well this week, and I tell myself that this is good, but still... I am afraid. I'm afraid to get undressed, to take a shower, to look at or even touch my body in any way. Claudia's voice whispers. It is an angry, hissing whisper, which tells me; she too, is filled with fear.

Marya Hornbacher, author of the book Wasted says, "The voice of the eating disorder is stronger than any other voice in the world. I can only imagine, but it's got to be like the call of heroin, or alcohol, if you're an alcoholic or an addict. You will put aside everyone and everything, you will do exactly what you know is not right, for this voice. I called my eating disorder "The Bitch". She sort of sat on my shoulder and hissed in my ear. I mean, this is not hallucinating that there's someone on my shoulder hissing in my ear. But it really does feel like there is someone always behind you, watching what you do."

I agree. The voice of my eating disorder is strong, but there is also my voice, and it says, "I am stronger".

Finding Peace

This week has been filled with peace and contentment, along with sorrow and loss. The peace has come with the beginnings of acceptence and nurturing myself. In therapy, we have been talking about the ways in which I use my eating disorder to communicate. I use it to say,"take care of me, pay attention to me, leave me alone, listen to me..." I thought that it gave me power and control over my life, but all that it really gave me was a place to hide. Peeking out from behind the safety of my fortress, I'm daring myself to take some risks, and learning that my voice alone is strong enough to be heard. Even the sorrow and loss that I have felt has been different. It was different once I could accept it without the secret hope that I could go back and change it. The sadness is part of the past, and has nothing to do with the life that I am presently living, and when I can remind myself of that very basic fact, I am filled with peace.

Living In The Moment

It was a beautiful day spent with people who make me smile.
I love this girl!

Secrets

I would literally squeeze my eyes closed as tightly as I could and count to ten when the memories would threaten to creep in. Sometimes the flashing images in the darkness would buzz so loudly in my ears, and I would have to get away, seperating from myself once again. It is the child who can will their own escape; Drifting dreamless, until the fear finds a secret place to hide.

The darkest secrets,
living in silence,
will suffocate your soul.
Freedom speaks.

Conversations With Claudia/ How Writing Has Saved Me

I started a blog on myspace almost a year ago, titled Conversations With Claudia, and this was my first post.


Who is Claudia? She is not my friend, but she has been a part of my life for a very long time. She is the voice of my eating disorder. A voice that over time, has crowded out my own thoughts and beliefs. I'm hoping that someday I will leave her behind.
I have an amazing therapist and also a nutritionist who thought it would be a good idea to give my eating disorder a seperate identity from myself. It would be a way to delineate between my own voice and the voice of the eating disorder. I'm finally beginning to see how often Claudia talks to me. She is bossy, demanding, snide, snotty, and degrading. She is also the one with the control most of the time, but I know that needs to change if I am to survive.
I remember the first time she spoke to me. I was seven years old, sitting in church, and looking down at my thighs as I sat in the pew. "Your legs are so fat,"! She said.
Why did she choose that moment to begin her torment? I'm not really sure. My mom, grandma, and two aunts were constantly dieting and discussing their weight. I'm sure that their conversations wormed their way into what I began to also believe about myself.
Being raped at the age of eleven was the real beginning of my self loathing and hatred. A secret that I held inside, suffocating my voice, and letting the shame eat me alive. Puberty began soon after, and with it, the ultimate betrayal of my own body.
I'm hoping that writing down some of the conversations that I have with Claudia will help me to find my own voice, and hopefully, someday, my voice will be louder than hers.


It feels wonderful to read this again, just to see how far I have come. Is my voice louder than the voice of Claudia's? Yes, I think it is, and damn, it feels good! I believe that the writing saved me. I began writing blogs, writing poetry, writing in my journal, writing my thoughts in e-mails to my therapist. I couldn't seem to stop writing, and more than that, I felt such a strong desire to share what I had written. First with my therapist, who encouraged me with compliments on the poetry that I would share with her. I created a website with my poems, www.poetrypoem.com/4angel , and then I started blogging; Sharing with strangers about things that I had kept secret for most of my life. Through writing, I found the freedom to unlock the silence, and begin the process of healing.

Silent Boy

Happy Birthday Logan.
I love you more than words can ever say!


Silent Boy

Silent boy,
eyes so blue,
let me see
inside of you.
All of the times
you look away.
I know you have
so much to say.
It's not fair,
locked inside.
You can't find
the words sometimes.
Expectations...
Demands are made.
Thoughts get stuck
inside your brain.
Reach out your hand.
Feel the heart
we could share.

Trust...
Believe...

Always
yearning to hear
the sound of your dreams.

Angela Minard 2007

Just Let Go

Last night's therapy session was one of the best that I have ever had. I'm feeling very excited and hopeful right now. We talked about the reasons for holding on to my eating disorder and what purpose it is serving me at this point. I don't need it to help me cope with the rape anymore. I was having a hard time seeing the eating disorder and the rape as seperate entities; believing that the rape was the only reason for my eating disorder, but it is not. For a long time I also used it as a way to feel superior, and that is a very hard thing to have to admit to myself. In my mind, being fat meant not being good enough, and I felt like I was good at nothing. It gave me a false sense of power, and was the only special gift that I believed I could truly possess. So why am I still hanging on to it now? Those are no longer my beliefs. They are just old ideas that no longer serve a purpose, and it sounds so simple, but my therapist said, "So maybe now you can think about letting it go." Yes, I think... maybe I can... just let go.

You Are Not Alone

Publishing update: I just found out that the poem Together We Are Strong is going to be published in the You Are Not Alone newsletter this month. Also two of my poems are being published in the book You Are Not Alone vol. 2, which is coming later in 2008.
It will consist of a book filled with stories, poems and artwork from women who are either recovered or in recovery, as well as a companion CD, which includes eating disorder recovery support songs.
Profits are donated to eating disorder non profits organizations to help and support those struggling with eating disorders and to raise awareness. For more information, go to http://www.youarenotalonebook.com/

What Is Your Life's Purpose?

I woke up this morning feeling angry, although I'm not really sure why. Maybe as I type, I will figure it out. Yesterday I came home from work and watched Oprah's webcast class with Eckhart Tolle, who wrote the book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. A friend of mine is giving me the book this morning, and I'm really excited to start reading it. Who doesn't want to know what their life's purpose is? It sounds like the perfect book for me to be reading right now. I think that is what my therapist was getting at when she asked me to think of living my life without an eating disorder, but I just don't know how to do that quite yet. Right now, that is like asking me to imagine living my life as a blind woman. I'm still getting used to the idea, and feeling it out, but still afraid to let go of it completely.
Last night Dave was mad at me because I didn't sit down to dinner and eat with the family. He has every right to be upset with me, but for some reason, I just couldn't do it last night. I think that it is because yesterday I had a flashback while I was at work, and it made me feel really out of control. I just felt this strong desire last night to hold on to what I could control. Maybe that is where the anger is coming from this morning. Flashbacks stress me out and make me angry. I feel like I need to release all of this pent up aggression without taking it out on myself or family.
Well, I'm off to get ready for work. I have therapy this evening, so there will be much to talk about. I'm sure that I will have more thoughts to share later;)

Imagine

Last week my therapist asked me to try to imagine what my life would look like if I no longer had an eating disorder. What would be different? For awhile, my mind was stuck on a different question. What would my life look like if I had never been raped? I probably wouldn't have an eating disorder. I wouldn't be me. Am I afraid of losing me...or finding me? I don't know what I want my life to look like. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the pain. I want to get through a week without the empty, blank spaces of time that steal the present. I want to cry, and be angry, and cry some more. I want to know that what happened to me mattered. That I matter. Otherwise, what was the purpose of lifting the silence?

Together We Are Strong

This photograph was taken by a beautiful and courageous woman that I met while I was in treatment for an eating disorder at Renfrew. She also ended up becoming my roommate, and a friend that I will always cherish. She took this picture during a phototherapy class we were taking. For me it symbolizes reaching out for help. I struggled for so long, believing that it was a weakness to ask for help, but it takes courage to admit you are flailing. Often times we feel alone with our pain and shame, thinking no one will understand what we are going through. When I arrived at Renfrew, and met so many women like me, looking into their eyes, sharing their tears; they gave me so much hope and courage. Together we gained strength, and I will never forget any of them.


Together We Are Strong

Arriving alone
shaken and scared
it didn't take long
for your hands
to be there
Reaching out
through the pain
Holding on
to all who came
And together
we were strong
Each voice shared
a different song
We grew in strength
in our own time
With helping hands
we could choose to fly
There are times
when I falter,
fearing that I may fall
I remember those hands
when I'm feeling small
And together
we are strong.

Angela Minard 2008

New York Times Article~ Drunkorexia~

I want to thank my friend Dana for sending me this article. There were so many women that I was in treatment with, especially college age young women, who were really struggling with alcohol abuse. I myself, am one of them.

~Starving Themselves, Cocktail in Hand~
The latest entry in the lexicon of food-related ills is drunkorexia, shorthand for a disturbing blend of behaviors: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with alcohol abuse.
Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging.
Anorexics, because they severely restrict their calorie intake, tend to avoid alcohol. But some drink to calm down before eating or to ease the anxiety of having indulged in a meal. Others consume alcohol as their only sustenance. Still others use drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine to suppress their appetites.
“There are women who are afraid to put a grape in their mouth but have no problem drinking a beer,” said Douglas Bunnell, the director of outpatient clinical services for the Renfrew Center, based in Philadelphia.
The center, like a small but growing number of eating-disorder and addiction-treatment facilities, most on the West Coast, offers a dual focus on substance abuse and eating disorders.
Dr. Bunnell, the past president of the National Eating Disorders Association, said the obsession with being skinny and the social acceptance of drinking and using drugs — along with the sense, lately, that among celebrities, checking into rehab is almost a given, if not downright chic — are partly to blame.
“Both disorders are behaviors that are glorified and reinforced,” Dr. Bunnell said. “Binge drinking is almost cool and hip, and losing weight and being thin is a cultural imperative for young women in America. Mixing both is not surprising, and it has reached a tipping point in terms of public awareness.”
Psychologists say that eating disorders, like other addictions, are often rooted in the need to numb emotional pain with substances or the rush provided by bingeing and purging. The disorders are often driven by childhood trauma like sexual abuse, neglect and other sources of mental anguish.
Manorexia is the male version of anorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with what is perceived as healthy food — eliminating fats and preservatives, for example. But people with this condition can dangerously deprive themselves of needed nutrients.
Diabulimia refers to diabetics who avoid taking insulin, which can cause weight gain, in order to control their weight. Despite the name, the disorder does not typically involve purging.
Binge Eating Disorder refers to obsessive overeating, especially of foods high in salt and sugar, that does not involve excessive exercise or purging to compensate for the high caloric intake.
Judy Van De Veen, 36, who lives in Gillette, N.J., became anorexic at 24. She said she starved herself, meting out small bites of low-calorie food for two months. Then she began bingeing and purging, throwing up entire boxes of cereal, whole pizzas and fast food from drive-throughs that sometimes cost her $80 a day.
She went into treatment, both inpatient and outpatient, for her eating disorder for several years in the late 1990s, with mixed results. In 2001, still struggling with bulimia, she took up drinking. If she ate while drinking, she said, she would purge, but then consume more alcohol to make up for the loss, because she wanted to remain drunk.
Many bulimics who drink use alcohol to vomit, experts on eating disorders say, because liquid is easier to purge. They also tend to vomit because they often drink on empty stomachs.
“In the beginning of my eating disorder I wouldn’t touch alcohol because it is so high in calories,” said Ms. Van De Veen, who later found herself regularly hospitalized for dehydration. “But I have the disease of more: I just want more no matter what it is.”
Two years into her drinking problem, she joined a 12-step program. She spent the next two years in and out of six residential rehab programs, spending about $25,000 of her own money because she didn’t have health insurance. But none of the programs were equipped to address eating disorders, so she binged and purged and her eating disorder raged.
Ms. Van De Veen said she has been sober for three years, but is still struggling with bulimia. She now has a 14-month-old daughter, Cheyenne, and she said that her pregnancy and support groups had helped her make progress on her eating disorder.
“I had an excuse to eat,” she said of being pregnant. “I didn’t care and I loved it.”
But she said the temptation to binge and purge is haunting her again.
Trish, 27, who has had an eating disorder for the last 10 years, recently checked into Renfrew, her fifth stint in a treatment center or hospital.
Like Ms. Van De Veen, Trish, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that only her first name be used to protect her privacy, struggled with anorexia first and then found alcohol. Before she was admitted to Renfrew, she said she was blacking out from lack of food and suffering from excruciating stomach pain.
Trish, a nurse who lives in Ohio and works with cardiac patients, said she would starve herself through her 8- or 12-hour shifts, staring at the clock and fixating on when she could have her first drink. Drinking, she said, relaxed her when she had to eat in front of other people, a huge source of stress. “The alcohol is probably what kept any weight on me,” she said in an interview late last month at the Renfrew Center, which she entered on New Year’s Eve for eight weeks of treatment.
“Drinking helped me be less anxious,” she said. “It helped me be more of Trish. The two go together: If I drink more, I’m more into my eating disorder and vice versa.”
Studies show that binge drinking and alcohol abuse are on the rise among women, who are also more prone than men to eating disorders.
About 25 to 33 percent of bulimics also struggle with alcohol or drugs, according to a study published last year in the journal Biological Psychiatry. Between 20 and 25 percent of anorexics have substance abuse problems, the study found.
A growing number of researchers are examining the psychological and neurological links between eating disorders and substance abuse: Does eating a chocolate bar, or bingeing and purging, stimulate the same pleasure centers in the brain as drugs or alcohol?
Suzette M. Evans, a professor of clinical neuroscience at Columbia, recently began a study of the connection between bulimia and substance abuse, a field she said has been neglected.
“People are finally beginning to realize that food can function in the same way as drugs and alcohol,” Dr. Evans said.
As more patients seek treatment for both eating disorders and substance abuse, a complicated set of mixed messages can arise. The response to addiction is abstinence; but quitting food is not an option.
“We’re trying to get our patients to find effective behaviors and life skills,” said Dr. Kevin Wandler, the vice president for medical services at Remuda Ranch, which addresses both eating disorders and addiction at its facilities in Arizona and Virginia.
“Eating normally would be an effective behavior, but it’s easier to give up alcohol and drugs because you never need it again,” Dr. Wandler said. “If your drug is food, that’s a challenge.”
Trish left Renfrew on Feb. 22, after her second time in treatment there. She was determined, she said, to break her obsessions with weight, food and alcohol. Before she checked in, “I didn’t even have the energy to laugh,” she said. But as she prepared to go home, she had more hope than she has had in years.
“I will not live my life like this,” she said. “I’ve learned this time not to be ashamed. I want to love myself and I want to forgive myself.”

* The New York Times
Article written by Sarah Kershaw

A Simple Thing

A Simple Thing

The sun shines
Warms the earth
Such a simple thing
to smile inside
Warms the heart
with gratitude
for spring's arrival
Such a simple thing

Angela Minard 2008