Here and Now

Photography by ~Norman Parkinson 1971 I rarely follow through with therapy assignments, I can't do writing prompts, and when asked an intellectual question, while put on the spot, I will blubber like an idiot, even though I can be quite expert at the subject matter being discussed. The therapy assignment this week was:Write a poem describing your good qualities. Hmmm, I thought about it, and it's not that I couldn't think of any, it is just that it would make for a dull poem. That brings me to writing prompts. It is probably great practice for writers, but my mind draws completely blank when it comes to this sort of writing exercise. I literally panic, and it takes away the passion of writing for me. I think I have stage fright when it comes to showing off my intellectual ability. Hell, I'm not a genius by any stretch, but I know shit ;-) I'm so afraid of looking stupid, that sometimes I think I appear to actually be stupid! We all stand in our own way at...

Suddenly you realize that winter has disappeared, and the cold, biting wind is a far away memory. It feels as if it will never be winter again. Never again will coats, gloves, and scarves be piled on the chair in the hall, never again will you see the exhale of your breath suspended before your eyes. With open arms you greet the warm monsoon-like rains, listening to the low rumblings of the sky with its shades of green, and you forget what it is like to be frozen inside. I compare this to my depression...how when the darkness lifts, it is difficult to remember what that suffocating sadness felt like. I fear the winter, but I'm also in a bit of denial. Never again... I'm in such a good place right now, hopeful, and filled with new dreams. I never thought that at this time in my life, I would have so much to look forward to. It is very exciting, and yet frightening. I watch my boys growing, making mistakes, and I feel at such a loss as ho...

                                         Artwork by~ Anka Pospiech                                         I stare at the ground, the intricate pattern of the carpet beneath my feet. I had wanted to fling myself at you from the moment you opened your door, but instead I walk in calmly, sitting with my hands clasped tightly in my lap.  I invision myself curling into a fetal position right there on the rug, but I'm not a child. I have to remind myself of that fact as I gaze past you, to the window where the wind blows so silent within these four walls. You reach out,...

Artwork by~  Edward Blake Edwards I was scared of a man in the grocery store last night. He was staring and following me everywhere. He was trying to talk to me in the checkout line, and maybe I was being paranoid, but I don't think so. I think you have to trust your gut instincts in this world, and as he walked behind me into the parking lot, I jumped quickly into my car and locked the doors. When I came home, I told my husband about it, and he said, "Are you sure?" It kind of hurt my feelings, but I don't particularly trust strange men, and I don't see a reason why I should. Bad things happen, and of that unfortunately I am certain. I've been having nightmares of men chasing me, and as I run, I know I will be trapped by them, and I can't scream. Being held down, and the feeling of being suffocated is something I have experienced, and the fear that it will happen again is terrifying. I have to remind myself that I am safe. It isn't that I do...

Artwork by~  Santiago Sepúlveda Sometimes I am angry, mean-spirited, and hateful. I feel unloveable. Mostly I keep these pieces of myself hidden from the world, and even myself. Mostly I bend over backward to be kind, calm, easy going, and friendly. I'm critical. I can be witty, fun loving, with a sarcastic sense of humor. I'm a good mom, sometimes too leniant. I make mistakes. Big ones. I'm impatient, I want everything now. I'm selfish, giving. We are everything. Flawed, imperfect, broken, but human. I have lived in the darkness, reaching for the light, and it is good to be alive. I've wondered when I would get to this place of accepting every part of me. Letting go of shame has been the most difficult part, and it washes over me in painful ways. More than anything I have to understand that I am not what has happened to me. I'm learning to integrate all of these parts of me into one whole person. Yes, it is good to be alive...

Letting Go You felt stiff in my arms, unyielding my hands gripping your shoulders fingers digging into flesh willing you to give in but you would not soften and slowly I let go The moment plays in my mind and it is strange how something that seems so insignifigant the feel of you pulling away lingers painfully The air was heavy as we stood in the late spring wind I cannot remember our words only the weight of silence between us as you turned to walk away A year has passed and yet I still hear the sound of your voice I can see how you looked at me your eyes holding mine until my lips would quiver I had so much that I wanted to say "Nothing is ever completely over," you tell me but I'm not sure what that means to you. "I can't get close enough," I whispered in your ear and you laughed I had never wanted so much to be part of someone's soul... for once to give my heart away the walls around ...

Artwork by Istvan Sandorfi I saw my trauma therapist today, mainly to brush up on grounding techniques. He suggested that I try to journal through the dissociative episodes. He said that it would help to integrate the two sides of my mind, if that makes any sense. I'm not sure that it does, but I'm willing to try. He said to even try writing with my left hand. I'm not sure what that will do though. Dissociation is a lot like driving in the car, arriving at your destination, and not remembering how you got there. It is very frustrating to lose chunks of time, to not be able to account for where you have been, and also to fully function in that state. It is getting better, but it still happens. This is my last full week of school, and I'm really looking forward to the break. I have so much to catch up on with housework. Between work, and yoga, it doesn't leave much time for cleaning. I'm also going to Florida for a week in June to visit my family. Eat...

I've been awake for hours after I should have long ago been sleeping, pacing the kitchen floor in between cups of strong coffee or sitting, staring straight ahead into nothingness. My mind feels full of static, unable to decipher my own thoughts, surrounded by white noise. You have been away for days in which I have proceeded with my usual routine. I have to admit that it is somewhat nice to have this space. I don't get a chance to feel completely independent very often, and because there is the comfort of knowing you will return, I can enjoy the time to myself. Still, I find it hard to sleep without you beside me. Our 22nd anniversary is coming up in exactly a week, and after over half of my life spent with you, you are like an extension of myself...the mirror in which I look into for approval, the person I seek out to reassure myself that I am loved. You aren't here to lock the doors and keep me safe, and that is how I've always felt with you from the ver...

I've been asking myself the question, "What is self-acceptance, and how do I get to a place of peace within myself?"Wikipedia's definition is here~  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-acceptance Self-acceptance is beyond self-esteem. When we are self accepting, we recognize all of our strengths and weaknesses, where as self esteem refers to how valuable or worthwhile we see ourselves. When I began to research this, I started to realize that I am accepting of myself, but don't always realize that I'm valuable as a person. I forget that I'm important in the lives of others. I don't always see my true value. I feel as if I shouldn't accept my weaknesses. Why should any of us? Shouldn't we always be evolving, changing, and growing? I think I get hung up on the imaginary concept of perfection. It is something that none of us will ever achieve, and yet so many of us strive for it, falling short, and therefore thinking that we are not valuable to...

I've been researching information on positive body image, mostly because I need to work on mine, but also because one day I really would like to guide young girls on how to love their bodies, maybe speaking in schools about my struggles with anorexia and poor self esteem. I have so much I want to do, that it feels a bit overwhelming. I want to work on getting more of my poetry published, I want to be a yoga teacher. There is a book that I want to read called Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga~ Reclaiming Your Body, because I really want to focus on this when teaching yoga. I don't think there has been much emphasis on this in the yoga community, and it is a niche that hasn't been addressed much. I'm excited and energized, but where to begin? I know that I need to figure out how to pay for teacher's training classes. I should have worked summer school, but also really need to recharge my batteries after an exhausting year. I also have more work to do on my own yoga ...

Maybe one day I will teach... maybe one day I will lead you toward the path  of freedom... I will... once I find my way. What I realized after my first yoga class was how I lost myself in the movement, not forgetting, but becoming one with my body. The inhale, the exhale, and then, beautiful surrender. This is not an easy feat for anyone, but for someone suffering from an eating disorder, and for someone who despised her body, it was a feat of great accomplishment. It faded soon after I stepped off of my mat, but I was hooked, and longed to learn how to carry this into my everyday existence. Not only did I want to carry it into my own life, but the idea of teaching this to other eating disorder and trauma survivors is something that I dream of making happen. I remember the first time a yoga teacher adjusted me in class. I just about jumped out of my skin! As a sexual abuse survivor, being touched without warning can be very frightenin...

Sweet Dreams The dolls sleep beneath blankets of leaves their eyes close when placed on the ground Her small, dainty hands clasped in prayer murmur to them in whispers so soft only the wind can hear Lovingly she kisses each porcelain cheek wishing them sweet dreams as she longs to be mothered herself She left running off with a lover promising she would come back leaving her with a silent, angry man his shadow looming from above afraid each night that she would forget the smell of her as the memories ache in her chest Holding on to the dream of her voice "I will come back for you." The gold of summer turns to scarlet years of waiting, the dolls long forgotten long forgotten... Angela Minard 2012©

His Return The knitting has been left on the coffee table untouched for months the yarn gathering dust Books half read the corners of pages turned down keeping her place Paralysis the constant chatter of a mind Scattered thoughts that fight with each other vying for attention The shades are drawn flowers withered in window boxes a world untended overgrown with weeds The children have left the doors opened leaving the night to creep through the cracks staring into the silent darkness unmoving for hours at a time Graying hair hanging limp and unwashed the mail left unopened haphazardly strewn on the kitchen counter She can't remember the last time she closed her eyes or stepped into the sunlight His clothes still hang in the closet the bed neatly made waiting for him to return Angela Minard 2012©

Yesterday was a really stressful day, both at work and at home, and I lost it by the end of the night. On top of that, I decided yesterday to eat three meals and a snack. I tried to sit with the discomfort, but as soon as I had finished my snack in the evening, the discomfort was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but cry. I really don't know if I can do it again today. I want to cry all over again just thinking about it. I know that I need to feel the feelings, and it is the only way I'm going to fully recover. I don't often feel anger, or at least I don't acknowledge it, but I felt especially angry at my treatment team. I know it is not their fault that I am in pain, I'm just not always rational in my thinking! I have therapy today, and maybe talking through what is going on will help. Home is difficult right now. Two of my sons are being typical teenagers, and I know that I experimented at their age, but I'm so worried for them right now. Yesterday was...

My husband commented the other day that he thought my thoughts about body image, weight, and food were obsessive compulsive, and I had never really thought about that before. The tape constantly plays in my head, sometimes even in my sleep. It is like I cannot escape them. There is very little time that I am free of them. Maybe at work, when I'm occupied with children, and during my yoga practice. I realize that it is a sad way to live, and yet I'm not really sure where to begin with change. The whole eating disorder feels endless and hopeless sometimes. Today I went to the doctor for an annual check up, and although I already knew that I had severe osteoporosis, she did another bone density test today, and that hasn't improved. I thought yoga and weight gain would help. The medical symptoms of the eating disorder are still there. I'm feeling emotional about it, and there is so much self blame for what I've done to my body. I know that I have to find forgivene...