Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I'm Safe

Artwork by~  Edward Blake Edwards

I was scared of a man in the grocery store last night. He was staring and following me everywhere. He was trying to talk to me in the checkout line, and maybe I was being paranoid, but I don't think so. I think you have to trust your gut instincts in this world, and as he walked behind me into the parking lot, I jumped quickly into my car and locked the doors. When I came home, I told my husband about it, and he said, "Are you sure?" It kind of hurt my feelings, but I don't particularly trust strange men, and I don't see a reason why I should. Bad things happen, and of that unfortunately I am certain. I've been having nightmares of men chasing me, and as I run, I know I will be trapped by them, and I can't scream. Being held down, and the feeling of being suffocated is something I have experienced, and the fear that it will happen again is terrifying. I have to remind myself that I am safe. It isn't that I don't trust men in general. I have many good men in my life. Last week in fact, I had an appointment with my trauma therapist, and as I was leaving, I almost hugged him, but instead I shook his hand, and it was awkward. I told him that I felt like hugging him, and he said that it would have been okay if I had. I laughed nervously, and said, "Maybe next time." I hug my regular therapist at the end of every session, and look forward to the hugs, but never thought I would want one from a male therapist, but after spilling my guts, I always crave the comfort. He later told my therapist that he was touched, and that made me feel better about it. Therapy relationships are strange because they are not your friend, even though sometimes it feels like it.  Well, anyway...on to other things.

Today is my last day of school. I'm excited to do more yoga, and improve my practice. I have friends who have pools, so that is definitely on my agenda, as well as spending a week in Florida with my mom, step-dad, and brother. #3 son is going to spend July with them, and he can't wait. I need to clean my house and do some cleaning up of the yard. I would even like to plant some flowers, which I haven't done in awhile. Bouts of depression paralyze me, and just getting out of bed is a major effort, but thankfully I'm feeling good. Well, that is all for now. Hope everyone is having a great week!  


Nicole said...

I’m so glad that you listened to yourself and got away from that man.

My therapist used to always tell me that just as our physical traits have evolved to help us survive and adapt to our environment, our emotions have also evolved with us over millions of years in order to protect and guide us. We tend to ignore or dismiss them, but our emotions are finely tuned to constantly send us vital information about our surroundings. When you feel afraid or uneasy, that is because your emotions are doing their job, telling you to be alert and on your guard because something in your environment is not quite right and you may be in danger.

I am really proud of you for trusting yourself and I hope you continue to listen to your intuition and follow your instincts. Don’t doubt yourself, Angie. You did the right thing.