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Monday, May 28, 2012

I Remember



Suddenly you realize that winter has disappeared, and the cold, biting wind is a far away memory. It feels as if it will never be winter again. Never again will coats, gloves, and scarves be piled on the chair in the hall, never again will you see the exhale of your breath suspended before your eyes. With open arms you greet the warm monsoon-like rains, listening to the low rumblings of the sky with its shades of green, and you forget what it is like to be frozen inside.

I compare this to my depression...how when the darkness lifts, it is difficult to remember what that suffocating sadness felt like. I fear the winter, but I'm also in a bit of denial. Never again...
I'm in such a good place right now, hopeful, and filled with new dreams. I never thought that at this time in my life, I would have so much to look forward to. It is very exciting, and yet frightening. I watch my boys growing, making mistakes, and I feel at such a loss as how to help them. Sometimes I blame myself when they stumble, but I realize that is how we all learn. I'm in constant flux, the seasons moving within me like a ghost, as if I will never remember the winds that tug at my heart, but I remember...I remember.  

4 Comments:

be not blind said...

It's good. It is always satisfying to get something personal out through writing. I have a selection of pretty dark poems over at benotblind.blogspot. This reminded me of yours today. http://benotblind.blogspot.com/2010/04/zero-celsius.html

Mary said...

Angela, this is my first time here and I just love your blog, your writings reflect who you are and are so truthful, this is how our healing takes place, I am following your blog, keep writing you are a fantastic writer I only wish I was half as good as you are xoxox
I also have a blog where I share all by poems on sexual abuse..
http://www.nippercats.blogspot.com

Cindy Cox said...

Beautiful testiment of the battles we all face when knowing depression and fears of parenting first hand. I always reflect upon the seasons of the year to help me get thru all the good times, bad times and especially in parenting. I have had so much sorrow and grieving trying to do all I can as a mother to my own daughter that my mother never was for me. In remembering the seasons, I hope spring comes earlier, the summers aren't as hot, the autumn is more vibrant and beautiful in rainbow galore upon my mountains and that the winter isn't a freezing, blistery winter. We never know what Mother Nature will give us. But the one thing we can count on is that in the season changes, she will give us that one season that will be better than before at least once a year. All I am saying if we take and compile all the data that makes us who we are and try to do the best we can with it and then give this to our children with a message to make their generation better than where they came from then we all will win in the end. We are human and have to accept human error but we will never get too old to keep learning, sharing, and giving to those around us in hopes of making life better for us, one person at a time with each generation. Beautiful writings you do. Didn't mean to ramble so much:) You inspired me. Thank you.

Nicole said...

You are such a beautiful writer, Angie <3

I do like some elements of winter, but the season can seem kind of endless in Colorado and after awhile I start to feel restless and trapped. I love how liberating summer feels! I especially love the long, long days. The sun rises really early and doesn’t set until after 8 at night. I am in love with sunlight :)

I am so happy to know that you are in a good place now. You are always in my thoughts and I love you very, very much <3

*hugs*
Nicole