My husband commented the other day that he thought my thoughts about body image, weight, and food were obsessive compulsive, and I had never really thought about that before. The tape constantly plays in my head, sometimes even in my sleep. It is like I cannot escape them. There is very little time that I am free of them. Maybe at work, when I'm occupied with children, and during my yoga practice. I realize that it is a sad way to live, and yet I'm not really sure where to begin with change. The whole eating disorder feels endless and hopeless sometimes.
Today I went to the doctor for an annual check up, and although I already knew that I had severe osteoporosis, she did another bone density test today, and that hasn't improved. I thought yoga and weight gain would help. The medical symptoms of the eating disorder are still there. I'm feeling emotional about it, and there is so much self blame for what I've done to my body. I know that I have to find forgiveness for myself, but today that is difficult. I found this body pledge picture on Pinterest, and I want to make those promises to myself. I know that all I can do is try. Sometimes believing in myself is difficult.
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You are right, sometimes believing in yourself is difficult. But when you feel that you can't, please know that others do. Angela, David believes in you. Angela, your beautiful Minard boys believe in you. Angela, me and many others believe in you. And I know you believe in me too. This really spoke to me. It is hard to realize or process that our loved ones see our pain and that it effects them too. I don't like to think about that. But I know that it is true. And as for the damage done, Angela, I hope that in time, you will know that none of it, and I mean NONE of it was your fault. NONE. Now that you are at the understanding of what needs to happen, you ARE moving forward. Sometimes it takes a few times of learning or a lot of times, for us to finally get there (for me), but Angela, you ARE there, and you are changing things, this Body pledge proves that. I pray that you will be gentle with the beautiful woman who has come to a wonderful crossroads and understand more and more that you are WORTH taking care of. And yes, I am at this same place, just in a different shape.......I love it when my friends are learning the same things as me, it is so reassuring that we are NEVER alone. I love you and truly have been thinking of you constantly. You are such a blessing to me, your family, and the world. I pray that you will feel that you are that today. I love you.
Remember you are wroth caring for. Your pledge is a wonderful step towards healing.
It is a wicked disease, I know. I finally just gave up and said this is who I am and the hell with anyone who doesn't like my jiggles and wiggles. I'm much more than that. You might have gotten the medical issues even w/o what you've been through. Live in the here and now. What you and Shima did and your poem healed me so much I can't begin to tell you. I love you so much and we missed you tonight. The old guy next to me farted and that made me kinda uncomfortable but it is what it is. tee hee see you soon. BTW I am using your poem in group on Thu, but not my name.
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