Here and Now

A Safe Place The jangle of the phone rattles my nerves startling me out from under the weight of memories and I breathe in and sigh leaving the ring unanswered Lost and lonely today I wander through rooms searching for the peace and comfort of home but you are not here and I sink into a silent panic afraid that you will never again walk through the door Irrational fear settles into the racing of my heart as I nervously fold the laundry with trembling hands Mistakenly, I think that I've heard the garage door open my throat constricting with relief until I realize it is only my imagination and the tears prick my eyes for a moment before I shake my head Sitting on the edge of our bed I draw my knees to my chest cradling myself until I hear your footsteps on the stairs your voice breaking the stillness of dread and I'm wrapped in the safety of your arms once again Angela Minard 2010©

Morning Comes Sitting in the sun where the dark shadows are done the night feels far away there is now no need to run Waking dreams disappear with the light The streaming brightness hides the fear Coffee brewing Children chatter Newspaper rustling as you work your puzzle The sounds of morning fill my ears I wait for you to come and sit by my side your breath warm on my cheek the gentle safety of your arms that rest against my shoulders Sinking into you Holding on tight to the day Angela Minard 2010©

I'm barely eating. Even dinner has gone by the wayside, and although I'm so tired of being like this, there is the nagging voice in my head that tells me that I must not eat. I refused to be weighed by my nutritionist last week, and not because I'm afraid that the scale will tell me that I'm losing, but because I'm afraid that it will tell me that I'm not. I'm too exhausted to even get on the treadmill, and that makes me feel guilty. I'm worried about work, and my sleep is fitful at best. I'm being moved to yet another school on Monday. At least it is in a Jr. High, which I prefer to the younger kids, but it is starting over somewhere new, which causes me a great amount of anxiety. I'm still with the kindergartner's in the afternoons, and I'm not really loving that. All it is is potty training and chasing kids around for the most part, and not the best use of my skills as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry that all that I do is compl...

My head is reeling from a day of autism, tantrums, and chaos, but I can't seem to shut my mind down and sleep, which is frustrating, because I'm so tired. Today I carried a boy kicking and screaming from the playground, got smacked in the face, and slipped in a puddle of pee. Those tidbits are only the highlights:) I wonder some days if I make a difference, or I'm just a glorified babysitter, and really, I'm not that glorified! Oh well...it's a job, and for that I'm grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have medical insurance to pay for all of these drugs and doctors to keep me sane. Speaking of doctors, I saw my trauma therapist this evening. I know this may sound strange, but we talked about my fear of answering the door when someone rings the bell, and of my fear of strangers in general. I will literally hide when someone rings my door bell, and I won't even answer it if it is a stranger. I also try not to make eye contact with people when I'm out in ...

I made it through this first week of school, and I do have to say that it wasn't all that bad. On Thursday I was moved back into the Jr. High temporarily in the mornings until I can train someone new to take my place, so it was good to be back in my old classroom where I feel at home. I'm still with the little people in the afternoons. I've been exhausted when I come home from work. I get my toes stepped on a lot, and I've been working with a biter, which isn't all that much fun, but I've managed to keep the teeth away from making contact so far! It is such a busy and chaotic environment, but I'm sure that I will adjust to it. I do like the staff, and they have all been welcoming. I have to be prepared for moving again though, and I don't do well with change. It is definitely a part of the job that I don't like. The kids make it worth it, and I feel like I've at least accomplished something at the end of the week. Lunch between schools has been o...

I entertain the idea of climbing into bed, climbing away from everyone and everything, and burying myself under heavy blankets. I'm so cold. I don't really want to go away though. I want to stay, only I want to be different...a different me somehow. I'm not making sense. I'm so tired. Today was fine. I woke up and went to work, but I feel detached and foggy. I came home, and I wanted to try to eat, but I just couldn't make myself. I sat on the couch with Dave, and his concern made me cry. The fact that I'm struggling so much made me cry. He wanted to cheer me up, so he went and bought me a new phone for my birthday. My other phone was prehistoric:) Afterwards, I went to the grocery store. I bought protein bars, greek yogurt, and cereal. All things that I think I would like to eat. I thought I could eat the protein bars while I was driving between schools at lunch time. There is no way that I will be able to eat at work in front of strangers. Everything seems so ...

As the weekend draws to a close, I find my anxiety level steadily mounting. I'm worried about my new job assignments. I know that I overthink everything, but I'm not sure how to stop my mind from working in high gear. The "what if's" get in my way. What if I don't do a good job working with the little people? What if no one likes me? Doesn't that sound so juvenile? I care too much about what other people think of me. This weekend has been hit or miss when it comes to food. Friday was definitely a miss. I was super stressed when I got home from work, so I went out and bought a bottle of wine. I made some pasta for dinner, and Dave and I enjoyed the wine while we ate, but then after we ate, I went upstairs and purged everything. I haven't done that in quite awhile, and when it does happen, it is like I'm on auto pilot. It doesn't even feel like I'm consciously thinking about purging. All I know is that I need to be empty, and it is such a rel...

Summer vacation is officially over for me. I started back to work today, and it was already stressful. My placement usually changes every year, and this year wasn't any different, but I was hoping that I could stay put. Last year, I was in a junior high autism classroom, but this year, they have moved me into two early childhood autism classrooms. I'm not a big fan of the little people:-D I have always really liked the older kids. There are pros and cons. The pros are that I won't get beat up as much, and when I do, it will hurt less. The cons are that I have to start over again with new people, and change is scary. I will miss the staff at my old school. I'm trying to have a positive attitude though. I talked with my supervisor, and told her that I wasn't all that comfortable working with the little people, and she said to try it for a few weeks, and if I still thought that it wasn't for me, then they would look for a new placement for me. I was proud of mysel...

"I miss my thin body," I say to my husband. "I love your body," he insists. "I didn't like it when you were skin and bones." I miss my thin body" I say to my therapist. "What do you miss about it?" she replies. I thought for a minute, and then I said, " I miss feeling strong, like I was invincible, and no one could touch or hurt me." Now I feel as if I cannot be contained. I'm spilling out all over the place...my body, my emotions, all of me is here for the world to see. Ahhh, I miss the illusion of invisibility. Yes, I realize it was a illusion, but I long for it just the same. I feel everything so intensely, and all of the emotions seem overwhelming at times, so right now, I'm trying to squash them. It is a conscious choice that I'm making everyday when I decide not to follow any resemblance of a meal plan. "You really weren't very strong in your thin body," my therapist firmly reminds me. "A sm...

Yesterday I wandered through the grocery store alone. Often times, Dave goes with me, and shopping is quite different on my own. I meander slowly up and down the isles, looking at food, pondering what to get. I have no problem getting the foods that my family likes, but I hesitate to get what I like. Yesterday was different, and it wasn't a big deal, except that I picked out a cereal that I wanted to try. Why is that a milestone? Well, I rarely eat breakfast. I have a dozen excuses for why this is, but I actually thought about breaking my rule. This morning when I woke up though, my first reaction was, no way! I watched Dave eat the cereal instead, and was so frustrated with myself. I had an appointment with my nutritionist today, and we talked about why I'm restricting. I tried to convince her that I only needed to eat once a day, and that I was functioning just fine, thank you very much! Then she started to ask me about symptoms, such as dizziness, being light headed, shakin...

I remember as a child wondering if everyone hurt as much as I did. It wasn't that I had such an unhappy childhood, it was that I took on the sorrow of others. The pain was palpable, throbbing around me, and I absorbed it all, as if it were my own. I was deeply attached to my mother, watching her every move, and aware of every change of mood. My father would come sweeping in brimming with charm, or was thankfully absent. My mother was either playful and attentive or somewhat distant and sleepy. The sure signs of a deep depression that I have come to recognize in myself. She wanted nothing more than to have a family unlike the one in which she had grown up. In and out of foster homes, with an abusive father, and a mother who had abandoned her and her siblings, she longed for safety and stability. She found herself in a marriage that was filled with infidelity and loneliness. When my father became involved with drugs, and began to bring them into the house, she wanted out. She feared ...

Forgetting "Don't forget me," I tell you "Don't forget me" Don't leave me waiting in the wind Don't forget my face that wavers, growing faint until I'm but a shadow in a corner of your mind Store me away in a tiny compartment away from the rest of your life tucked into a box that you will never allow yourself to pull out or perhaps you will lift the corners peering cautiously inside Maybe all that will be left of me is shame and guilt A deep throb in the back of your throat as you swallow hard; as you close your eyes Yes, I'm growing dark. For awhile I'll be the shimmer of a dream in which you awaken drenched in a cold sweat afraid of the risk you took Oh, sadly my smile will fade into a bittersweet memory disappearing within the distance of time Angela Minard 2010©

Check out this website~ http://operationbeautiful.com/ Who doesn't like receiving compliments? I like them, although I always feel awkward when accepting them. My husband teases me about it. Whenever he called me beautiful or pretty, I would roll my eyes and shake my head. I had to practice on him and learn how to accept the compliment by simply saying thank you. I believe he means what he says, but accepting a compliment has everything to do with how much you believe in yourself, and when you feel negatively about yourself, you tend to discount the compliment. I'm working on this, and my goal is to begin to give myself positive messages every day. I may not believe them at first, but I'm hoping that eventually they will stick, just like the negative messages have played over and over in my head for years. I know that this will take time, but I'm going to give it my best effort.

"I'm fine," I say. Fine, fine, fine, when the truth is that almost always, when I say that, I'm not fine at all. Why do I lie? Well...it's because I'm afraid of the sadness, pain, and anger that I feel, and I'm so used to swallowing those feelings that it is my automatic response. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food. I push the emotions away, and by doing this, I also end up pushing people away. I fear that because my feelings overwhelm me, they will also overwhelm everyone else. This fear keeps me from accepting help when it is offered, and my self worth prevents me from being motivated to help myself. I need to try to feel safe enough to reach out for the hands that are offered to me. I need to believe that I'm worth caring for. Maybe I need to do it for others and hope that eventually I will see that I'm worth it. F ucked Up I nsecure N eurotic E motional Yep, that's me alright:)

All That Remains What has been revealed is now too late to conceal Can't take back what has been given Rebuild the walls lock the doors cover them with vines to hide behind Blinded by the whisper of words now lost in your silence Drowning in smiles staring through vacant eyes the mask of my days A fading image is all that remains Angela Minard 2010©