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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Good Enough Part 2

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As the weekend draws to a close, I find my anxiety level steadily mounting. I'm worried about my new job assignments. I know that I overthink everything, but I'm not sure how to stop my mind from working in high gear. The "what if's" get in my way. What if I don't do a good job working with the little people? What if no one likes me? Doesn't that sound so juvenile? I care too much about what other people think of me.

This weekend has been hit or miss when it comes to food. Friday was definitely a miss. I was super stressed when I got home from work, so I went out and bought a bottle of wine. I made some pasta for dinner, and Dave and I enjoyed the wine while we ate, but then after we ate, I went upstairs and purged everything. I haven't done that in quite awhile, and when it does happen, it is like I'm on auto pilot. It doesn't even feel like I'm consciously thinking about purging. All I know is that I need to be empty, and it is such a relief in the moment, until the guilt and shame set in. Saturday was better. I made myself a mango smoothie in the afternoon, and then for dinner that night, I finally ate a bowl of that cereal that I had been wanting to try. I ate cereal instead of the pizza that I bought for everyone else because the pizza felt too scary. I've noticed that the more afraid I am in general, the more fear foods I have. I did eat twice on Saturday though, so I feel pretty good about that. Today I haven't eaten yet, and it is past noon. Nothing sounds good, which I know isn't a valid excuse, but it feels like such an enormous effort to go into the kitchen and figure something out.
Well, that is all for now. I'm not going to stress myself out about whether I can eat or not. It feels like too much on my plate for now, no pun intended:)

*Update*
I had some cereal with yogurt late in the afternoon. I'm really struggling with it though. I know it is my way of coping with the anxiety that I'm feeling about this week. I'm going to call my therapist for some support in the morning. She is my voice of reason, and can usually calm my nerves. I'm going to make sure that my recovery team knows that I need more support right now.

10 Comments:

Inside the Mind of a... said...

weekends are always a hit or miss for me too because I'm not actively in treatment those days. Don't beat yourself up for making some mistakes. I have the same feeling of just needing to be empty and then feeling horrible shame after that.

It gets better, you can be strong and work through this. I know it.

<3

HONEY said...

i'm sorry to hear about your purging on friday. it may have been the influence of the wine, you know.

you really should eat today and because it's past noon i can give you my recipe for a perfect light meal (earlier intended to be a breakfast but right now i prefer sweet desserts ;D) here it is:

http://honeydreamzzz.blogspot.com/2010/08/filling-simple-tasty.html

hope you can end your weekend in a positive mood!

lots of love <3

Wanda's Wings said...

I hope the stress gets better, I hate it when I can't slow my mind down. Good job with your food on Saturday. One day at a time. I'm sure the little people will like you. Hang in there!

Miriam said...

It is a huge effort to eat, especially when you're not hungry or nothing sounds good, but recovery takes effort. You can do it honey :) You've got support and love here and all over. Next time something is too scary, try and fight it with logic. Why is it too scary? Why is it such a big deal? Why are the potential consequences so bad? This is a thought process that has helped me overcome a lot of apprehensions; maybe it will work for you too :)

I Hate to Weight said...

it is always so very complicated. i don't throw up any more (after so many years) but every few months, i get the big idea to take a laxative. it always messes me up, physically and emotionally.

and what to eat the next day? and how to deal with stress?

sometimes i wonder how other people do it -- get through life without disorders and addictions.

still, it is doable for us. good luck as you get thru your days.

hopeandhush said...

I also struggle with meals (especially lunch, since its usually the biggest (and coooked) meal of the day, here in Germany) on the weekends. I just cant bring myself to cook a decent meal. Its so much more of a meal if its hot and steamy and...cooked. Dunno. Maybe I am weird.


But you really should have at least a little something, cause not only your mind will freak (cause of the job) but also your body (physically, because it has no food, no energy, no nothing to function) which will make you freak even more since you will not be able to concentrate etc......

thelettinggo said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog :) I can relate SO much to you! I find myself overanalyzing everything, especially things that pertain to my job. I am sorry meals have been so hard for you lately. I definitely know the 'auto-pilot' feeling when it comes to purging. Afterwards I am like "what the heck even happened?!" but in the moment all I think is that I will feel better.

Anyway, I'm glad you were able to find something to eat and are going to reach out for more support. I hope your recovery team is able to help you during this week.

Fi said...

Hey hun, thanks for your comment on my blog. I sorry to hear your struggling, and your right we are in similar positions where the idea of food is soo overwhelming we just dont know where to start. But we have to start. i always say, if i was able to eat when i was six years old, I sure as hell am able to do it now.

Without ip, we just need to force ourselves, literally, make it, put it on our plates and put it in our mouths, and leave it there -well obviously chew and swallow, but u know, it really is that simple. Sure you might feel crap in the shortterm but longterm u know, we both know, its the right thing.
xxxxx

Missy said...

Hey Angela,
I had a stupid night on Friday too...you are not alone.

I am proud of you for the cereal bit...one fear food at a time, right? Tackle the pizza later...

Have a great week!~ Missy

Kelsey said...

i used to always live in fear when i ate because i never knew if my hunger beast would pop out. i definitely had a hard time not bingeing when i was under stress or dealing with something i kept stuffing inside me. it took a long time but thankfully today i dont even think about food the way i used to, or get really panicky before and after eating.

and when u find the right person/therapist that can help you sort it out, its truly life saving isnt it!

xoxo