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Monday, August 16, 2010

I entertain the idea of climbing into bed, climbing away from everyone and everything, and burying myself under heavy blankets. I'm so cold. I don't really want to go away though. I want to stay, only I want to be different...a different me somehow. I'm not making sense. I'm so tired.

Today was fine. I woke up and went to work, but I feel detached and foggy. I came home, and I wanted to try to eat, but I just couldn't make myself. I sat on the couch with Dave, and his concern made me cry. The fact that I'm struggling so much made me cry. He wanted to cheer me up, so he went and bought me a new phone for my birthday. My other phone was prehistoric:) Afterwards, I went to the grocery store. I bought protein bars, greek yogurt, and cereal. All things that I think I would like to eat. I thought I could eat the protein bars while I was driving between schools at lunch time. There is no way that I will be able to eat at work in front of strangers. Everything seems so hard right now, as if I'm trudging through mud. I didn't call my therapist like I was going to do. Even explaining that I'm floundering feels too hard. Writing this is hard. I'm going to stop.

15 Comments:

I Hate to Weight said...

i just reached out to my therapist about wanting to drink. it's hard, though. there are SO many times i haven't.

i hope you can eat what you bought and feel as okay about it as you possibly can.

i am so sorry you are floundering. it seems like all these issues and addiction are cyclical and circular and, i don't know -- take good care. you are so very worth it!

Flannery said...

Yeah, recovery is definitely cyclical. I'm sorry you've hit a downward part of the spiral.

It sounds like you're working so hard to stay with it. Big hugs for going to the grocery store, for buying food--even if eating the things you bought is hard--for being brave enough to cry, and to write.

Have you heard the Dixie Chicks song "So Hard"? I feel like you might identify with a lot of it. I sure do.

You are strong! You are amazing! Look how bravely you are pushing through that awful mud! You can do this.

Inside the Mind of a... said...

Hey babe,
I hate to hear you suffering so badly, but know that you aren't alone. I entertain the idea of staying in bed all the time ach day. I feel detached all the time. I think you should give yourself more credit for getting out of the house, going to the store and doing what you needed to for yourself. That is a huge deed in and of itself. Sometimes I can't even do that.

I'm proud of you! Stay w/it. It'll get better!!! Thanks for all your support! I appreciate it so much!!
-Lisa

Fi said...

The way to get through these tough times is to make changes-TODAY. Just DO what you think you cannot, break through that barrier that seems to be held up in front of food. Chances are you are feeling worse and the thoughts are gtting worse because u are NOT eating. When you dont eat, you can think straight. Every time u dont eat, anorexia wins, do u want anorexia to win-you know it just brings more pain and more anger.

You dont need anorexia, you will be ok without it. Everything will be better with some nouishment-thats a promise. treat yourself well. fi
xxx

Fi said...

i meant you cant think straight not you can think straight-sorry xxx

Blue Butterfly said...

Hey, thanks for your comment. (:

I empathise with how you're feeling. Your first paragraph describes how I've been feeling since yesterday. I spent the entire morning today huddled in bed with my blanket drawn up over my face and curled into a foetal position.

Sometimes going to bed when you feel overwhelmed actually does help. I woke up still sad, but a lot calmer.

I hope you feel better soon.

*hugs*

Sia Jane said...

Sometimes, we have a head full that needs emptying, but no energy or will, to even type or pick up a phone. I'm sorry this is so hard (((hugs)))

Ann said...

so sorry you're having such a struggle. I hope better days are ahead for you.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one sorry for your pain. Here listening.... ((((Angela))))

Paula said...

A very rough patch - so sorry for it. This too shall pass like many other things have passed before. It is ok being down. It is ok experienceiing cycles. It is ok being tired. Please be kind to yourself.

HONEY said...

please my lovely, eat.
it will make everyone happy. even if you think right now it will make you sad, in the end, when you've recovered, it will make you happy for sure.
i send you a lot of cyber hugs and strength!

xoxo

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'll be praying for you, love.

Tori said...

I don't have any wise pieces of advice to offer, even though I wish I did. I've gone through some low points like this, and I know I'll probably go through more in my life. It seems like it will last forever, but really it doesn't. It does get better with time. Days, weeks, months even, but it does get better. Keep pushing, keep praying, keep fighting. Don't give up. Reach out to those people that love you, because they probably don't know that you're hurting as much as you are right now.

You're in my thoughts,
Tori

Miriam said...

Can you sleep, darling? Sometimes your mind just really needs a rest. I'm here for you if you ever need anything. I hope that you feel better soon!! xoxo

Paula said...

How are you doing? Thinking of you. Please be kind to yourself, just breath. Love to you