Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Stranger Danger


My head is reeling from a day of autism, tantrums, and chaos, but I can't seem to shut my mind down and sleep, which is frustrating, because I'm so tired. Today I carried a boy kicking and screaming from the playground, got smacked in the face, and slipped in a puddle of pee. Those tidbits are only the highlights:) I wonder some days if I make a difference, or I'm just a glorified babysitter, and really, I'm not that glorified! Oh's a job, and for that I'm grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have medical insurance to pay for all of these drugs and doctors to keep me sane. Speaking of doctors, I saw my trauma therapist this evening. I know this may sound strange, but we talked about my fear of answering the door when someone rings the bell, and of my fear of strangers in general. I will literally hide when someone rings my door bell, and I won't even answer it if it is a stranger. I also try not to make eye contact with people when I'm out in public, or when I'm driving in my car, which probably make me more of a target, because I seem like I'm unaware of what is going on around me. I think it is safe not to answer the door to strangers. Isn't that what we teach our kids? I guess it isn't normal to cower in a part of my house in fear though, and my husband thinks that this is a problem. We talked about it being a part of the PTSD, and my inability to trust people. I have a lot of anxiety around people that I don't know. He didn't really give me any ideas for how to get over it though, and maybe I won't get over it. I tend to think that it keeps me safe, and that is all I want is to be safe. It makes perfect sense to me that because I trusted strangers that I was later raped by, that I would be wary of letting strangers ever again get close to me. It would be nice to be a little less fearful, but I'm not so scared that I can't leave the house. I guess if it ever came to that, then I would think of it as more of an issue. I really would like to take some self defense classes or something, so then I could just kick some butt:)
Well, that is all for now. I must try to get some sleep in order to deal with more little people shenanigans tomorrow. Oh, already is tomorrow.


Ann said...

Your job certainly doesn't sound like it's filled with the most pleasant things in a day. I can see how you would have a hard time unwinding at the end of the day. Hope it gets better as the year goes on

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

you ARE making a difference. you make th elives of those children better

dont forget that.

Wanda's Wings said...

As difficult as your job is you do make a difference in those children lives. Therapy brings out some of the strangest things sometimes.

Crystal Raen said...

You are definitely making a difference, and I vote for self-defense classes, they are great for building a little self-esteem (just my opinion tho).

sarah said...

I agree with the are making a difference...reading this...I think you're amazing.