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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Stranger Danger

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My head is reeling from a day of autism, tantrums, and chaos, but I can't seem to shut my mind down and sleep, which is frustrating, because I'm so tired. Today I carried a boy kicking and screaming from the playground, got smacked in the face, and slipped in a puddle of pee. Those tidbits are only the highlights:) I wonder some days if I make a difference, or I'm just a glorified babysitter, and really, I'm not that glorified! Oh well...it's a job, and for that I'm grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have medical insurance to pay for all of these drugs and doctors to keep me sane. Speaking of doctors, I saw my trauma therapist this evening. I know this may sound strange, but we talked about my fear of answering the door when someone rings the bell, and of my fear of strangers in general. I will literally hide when someone rings my door bell, and I won't even answer it if it is a stranger. I also try not to make eye contact with people when I'm out in public, or when I'm driving in my car, which probably make me more of a target, because I seem like I'm unaware of what is going on around me. I think it is safe not to answer the door to strangers. Isn't that what we teach our kids? I guess it isn't normal to cower in a part of my house in fear though, and my husband thinks that this is a problem. We talked about it being a part of the PTSD, and my inability to trust people. I have a lot of anxiety around people that I don't know. He didn't really give me any ideas for how to get over it though, and maybe I won't get over it. I tend to think that it keeps me safe, and that is all I want is to be safe. It makes perfect sense to me that because I trusted strangers that I was later raped by, that I would be wary of letting strangers ever again get close to me. It would be nice to be a little less fearful, but I'm not so scared that I can't leave the house. I guess if it ever came to that, then I would think of it as more of an issue. I really would like to take some self defense classes or something, so then I could just kick some butt:)
Well, that is all for now. I must try to get some sleep in order to deal with more little people shenanigans tomorrow. Oh, wait...it already is tomorrow.

5 Comments:

Ann said...

Your job certainly doesn't sound like it's filled with the most pleasant things in a day. I can see how you would have a hard time unwinding at the end of the day. Hope it gets better as the year goes on

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

you ARE making a difference. you make th elives of those children better every.single.day.

dont forget that.

Wanda's Wings said...

As difficult as your job is you do make a difference in those children lives. Therapy brings out some of the strangest things sometimes.

Crystal Raen said...

You are definitely making a difference, and I vote for self-defense classes, they are great for building a little self-esteem (just my opinion tho).

sarah said...

I agree with the others..you are making a difference...reading this...I think you're amazing.