Saturday, August 28, 2010


Secret #1 i don't eat Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm barely eating. Even dinner has gone by the wayside, and although I'm so tired of being like this, there is the nagging voice in my head that tells me that I must not eat. I refused to be weighed by my nutritionist last week, and not because I'm afraid that the scale will tell me that I'm losing, but because I'm afraid that it will tell me that I'm not. I'm too exhausted to even get on the treadmill, and that makes me feel guilty. I'm worried about work, and my sleep is fitful at best. I'm being moved to yet another school on Monday. At least it is in a Jr. High, which I prefer to the younger kids, but it is starting over somewhere new, which causes me a great amount of anxiety. I'm still with the kindergartner's in the afternoons, and I'm not really loving that. All it is is potty training and chasing kids around for the most part, and not the best use of my skills as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry that all that I do is complain and whine here, but I have to release it, and writing helps me so much. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me, and I know it is my own fault. If only I could eat, I know that I would feel better, but I even hate the words eat, food, and hunger. My nutritionist also said the word relapse to me on Thursday which really scares me. I don't want this to be a relapse. Maybe once everything settles down at work, I can get back on track. I feel so sick, body and mind, and very disappointed and frustrated with myself. I think that I'm a horrible person so much of the time.
I miss my therapist who has been out of town due to the death of her sister. I worry that I'm too attached to her. Therapy relationships are so strange. I think of her as a good friend, but I also know that is not what we really are. I asked her to sit on the couch with me one time, because I needed to feel her close to me, and now we always sit that way, shoes off, knees curled up, facing each other, and I confide, and she tells me funny stories when things get too intense. She always gives me a hug at the end of our sessions. She comforts me, and that is what I need right now. It will feel weird to complain about my own problems when her sister just died, and she is dealing with her own pain. I will see her on Wednesday, and I worry about the awkwardness. She says work helps her though, so I hope that it really does.
I want to be a better person. Really, I do. I'm going to try harder, and as soon as I finish this post, I'm going to eat something. I need a fresh start.


Miriam said...

You can pull through, honey. There will always be tough times, but know that they do end and you will feel strong again. Have faith in that! And do not give up. I'm here for you sweetie x

Wanda's Wings said...

You will make. I know it is hard. Try to eat something. Thinking about you.

Angela said...

I did eat after I wrote this. Thanks for your support, Wanda and Miriam:)

HONEY said...

i really really hope you don't relapse, dear!
you've come so far. now you just have to eat something tasty that won't make you feel gross. try scrambled eggs or some asian noodles, these are meals i always enjoy.

i hope things with your therapist don't become awkward but you should always keep in mind: she's 'only' your therapist.

i wish you lots of luck for the new working place :)


Anonymous said...

You told me the 79 years and 364 Days would be worth it. But I dont want to spend them, knowing that you lost the fight. I would miss you. Please keep on fighting. Please do.

Annie :D said...

Sorry you are struggling! Hang in there girl you can do this. I know you have probably heard this a zillion times, but eating will make you feel so much better! I can totally relate to the therapist therapist was out of town for 2 months because her daughter was having surgery and I missed her so much. I too sometimes if I wonder if I'm to attached. And when my therapist before her moved to a different state, I was soo upset!! O jeez.

A "fresh start" sounds perfect for you. Hope you have a good day :)


I Hate to Weight said...

your therapist sounds so lovely. it's normal that you would care that she lost her sister. yet, she can still help you while dealing with her own grief.

so sorry to hear how you're feeling around food and weight. i know those feelings well.

do you think your frustrations at work have anything to do with it --feeling that your talents are wasted while potty training? if your career is feeling out of control, r u possibly turning to the one thing we believe we can control -- our food and our weight? just a guess.

take really good care. really good.

Kelsey said...

although i know how hard it is to be without ur therapist right now, and ur bond with her has become so wonderful and trusting, i know u can do this and push past these obstacles. keep staying strong! <3

Anonymous said...

Keep fighting and have faith that you can beat this one meal at a time. The longer you starve, the deeper you get into the Ed and the harder it is to fight b/c your brain is malnourished and cannot rationalize. You NEED food in order to function in so many ways. Therapy will not be effective if you are not eating! Take 1 step toward recovery and have a nutritional lo-cal snack. Then do it again and again so the fear goes away and you get stronger! Good luck:)

Just Be Real said...

Here rooting for you dear one. Blessings.

Lily said...

I understand how much relying on your t is a slippery slope. I have to make sure that I am not putting myself in a situation where I overstep the professional boundaries by expecting A to be my friend/family/etc. but the truth is, I depend on her more than I depend on anyone else in my life. I'm glad your t sits next to you, hugs you, etc. I don't think I've ever even touched A, but there were times a hug would have done so much for me as I was sitting on her couch shaking in terror, or sobbing uncontrollably.

Things get hard. Then they get better. That's just the way of life. You are strong enough to notice when you are struggling and the fact that you don't want to relapse. You CAN do this!

Ann said...

I wish that I could offer some magical words of wisdom that would change how you are feeling. All I can give is my heartfelt wish for better days ahead. Hang in there Angela, you're worth the effort :)

Lisa said...

I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better. We've been there. it's hard. don't beat yourself up. It's okay to bounce back and forth. No one is perfect. You can make it past this battle

xoxo, take care

Anonymous said...

When you don't eat you don't have the energy to fight anything physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Your therapist just lost her sister and what a tragedy that must be. Perhaps you can focus on that and realize that there are so many problems out there much bigger than ourselves. Can you imagine if you lost your parent or a sibling? Would that put things into perspective for you? You need to eat so that you can try to put things into perspective.