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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's All An Illusion

sad angel Pictures, Images and Photos

"I miss my thin body," I say to my husband. "I love your body," he insists. "I didn't like it when you were skin and bones." I miss my thin body" I say to my therapist. "What do you miss about it?" she replies. I thought for a minute, and then I said, " I miss feeling strong, like I was invincible, and no one could touch or hurt me." Now I feel as if I cannot be contained. I'm spilling out all over the place...my body, my emotions, all of me is here for the world to see. Ahhh, I miss the illusion of invisibility. Yes, I realize it was a illusion, but I long for it just the same. I feel everything so intensely, and all of the emotions seem overwhelming at times, so right now, I'm trying to squash them. It is a conscious choice that I'm making everyday when I decide not to follow any resemblance of a meal plan. "You really weren't very strong in your thin body," my therapist firmly reminds me. "A small child could have knocked you on your ass." I laugh nervously, and agree that this is true. I laugh until tears sting my eyes, and begin running down my face. I duck my head in shame, angrily wiping my face with my hands. "Why the tears?" my therapist says. "Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be eternally at war with my mind and my body," I reply. "I'm so tired," I cry. "I'm so very, very tired."

9 Comments:

Flannery said...

' "I'm so tired," I cry. "I'm so very, very tired." '

I know exactly the feeling. Recovery is always hard, but some days...somedays it is simply just too hard to deal with, and yet there's nothing else you can do! Recover or fall back into ED. There is no middle ground.

And that is beyond exhausting.

Your strength always amazes me--I know you can do this! It's ok to be tired. Keep the faith in you and your recovery.

Just Be Real said...

Here listening Angela, ((((Angela))))

Ann said...

eternally at war with my mind, that could describe all of us at one time or another. It's when things seem worse that you must not quit.

Anonymous said...

You have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I feel the same way, as if there will always be a war within my mind. I am just starting *again* on the road to recovery. This is so hard . . .

I admire your courage and honesty. You can make it through.

{{{Hugs}}}

Angela

Paula said...

The illusion of invisibility? Can relate! 3 days ago my therapist team looked at the pics I painted between the trauma therpay intervall. I said I am not good in painting persepctive or portraits hence no of my pics has faces!!!!!!!!! They gently but firmly kept me there. I felt invisible and that meant as well that I didnt need to keep a face, no need hiding shame etc, I wasnt seen anyway.......

Same day I regresses into a baby - guess that is where it started, that my Mother didnt see me.
Now I dont deserve to be seen as I should be here anyway. I am terribly exhausted yet it was necessary to move on and through. I am so tired........
Love from my heart to yours.

HONEY said...

reading this was really sad....
but i want to tell you, you will always feel like you're at war with your mind, be it anorexia or any other bad 'habit'. but in the end you just have to try and find the happy moments that stand out. and be grateful for them. be grateful for having a supportive husband for example. he was always there for you <3

xoxo

Sairs said...

I totally understand this. I have said the same thing myself to my old psychologist. It felt like it would never stop but it has for me after such a long fight. There are still days that I wake up and have to fight but these days, thankfully are less and less. The new body is a hard one. That is the part I am still dealing with. I can't tell if I am normal size or larger than normal or smaller. My perception of size completely screwed up and so is portion sizes of meals, because I don't know what is normal. It will ease over time.
~Sarah~

hopeandhush said...

Hi Angela,
thank you for your comment on my post. I can totally relate to what you said above. Somedays its really really hard, and I SO KNOW the feeling of missing my "old body". Sometimes ED-Monster screams inside me wanting "it" back. But on somedays i realize that maybe there is something worth fighting for, and its not directly linked to my weight.


Have you bought the book? If so, did you already have a glimpse? How do you like it?

Hugs,
Kat