It's All An Illusion
"I miss my thin body," I say to my husband. "I love your body," he insists. "I didn't like it when you were skin and bones." I miss my thin body" I say to my therapist. "What do you miss about it?" she replies. I thought for a minute, and then I said, " I miss feeling strong, like I was invincible, and no one could touch or hurt me." Now I feel as if I cannot be contained. I'm spilling out all over the place...my body, my emotions, all of me is here for the world to see. Ahhh, I miss the illusion of invisibility. Yes, I realize it was a illusion, but I long for it just the same. I feel everything so intensely, and all of the emotions seem overwhelming at times, so right now, I'm trying to squash them. It is a conscious choice that I'm making everyday when I decide not to follow any resemblance of a meal plan. "You really weren't very strong in your thin body," my therapist firmly reminds me. "A small child could have knocked you on your ass." I laugh nervously, and agree that this is true. I laugh until tears sting my eyes, and begin running down my face. I duck my head in shame, angrily wiping my face with my hands. "Why the tears?" my therapist says. "Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be eternally at war with my mind and my body," I reply. "I'm so tired," I cry. "I'm so very, very tired."
Comments
I know exactly the feeling. Recovery is always hard, but some days...somedays it is simply just too hard to deal with, and yet there's nothing else you can do! Recover or fall back into ED. There is no middle ground.
And that is beyond exhausting.
Your strength always amazes me--I know you can do this! It's ok to be tired. Keep the faith in you and your recovery.
I admire your courage and honesty. You can make it through.
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
Same day I regresses into a baby - guess that is where it started, that my Mother didnt see me.
Now I dont deserve to be seen as I should be here anyway. I am terribly exhausted yet it was necessary to move on and through. I am so tired........
Love from my heart to yours.
but i want to tell you, you will always feel like you're at war with your mind, be it anorexia or any other bad 'habit'. but in the end you just have to try and find the happy moments that stand out. and be grateful for them. be grateful for having a supportive husband for example. he was always there for you <3
xoxo
~Sarah~
thank you for your comment on my post. I can totally relate to what you said above. Somedays its really really hard, and I SO KNOW the feeling of missing my "old body". Sometimes ED-Monster screams inside me wanting "it" back. But on somedays i realize that maybe there is something worth fighting for, and its not directly linked to my weight.
Have you bought the book? If so, did you already have a glimpse? How do you like it?
Hugs,
Kat