A Handful Of Cereal

Yesterday I wandered through the grocery store alone. Often times, Dave goes with me, and shopping is quite different on my own. I meander slowly up and down the isles, looking at food, pondering what to get. I have no problem getting the foods that my family likes, but I hesitate to get what I like. Yesterday was different, and it wasn't a big deal, except that I picked out a cereal that I wanted to try. Why is that a milestone? Well, I rarely eat breakfast. I have a dozen excuses for why this is, but I actually thought about breaking my rule. This morning when I woke up though, my first reaction was, no way! I watched Dave eat the cereal instead, and was so frustrated with myself.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist today, and we talked about why I'm restricting. I tried to convince her that I only needed to eat once a day, and that I was functioning just fine, thank you very much! Then she started to ask me about symptoms, such as dizziness, being light headed, shakiness, and being cold all of the time. The problem is that I've adjusted to those symptoms, and I'm used to compensating for them. I told her about the cereal, and we tried to come up with some ways that I could ease myself into eating it, like eating just a handful dry, while standing up. That sounds doable. Sitting down while eating poses more of a problem because then I have to connect with the food and the thought that I'm eating it. We talked about the eating disorder being my shield, and how scary the thought of being without my force field is. Being foggy with symptoms keeps me from totally connecting with the world, and for me, that feels safe. I want to be the best me that I can be. I really do want that, so I'm determined to slowly lower my shield, bit by bit. It is going to have to start with a handful of cereal.