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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fine

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"I'm fine," I say. Fine, fine, fine, when the truth is that almost always, when I say that, I'm not fine at all. Why do I lie? Well...it's because I'm afraid of the sadness, pain, and anger that I feel, and I'm so used to swallowing those feelings that it is my automatic response. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food. I push the emotions away, and by doing this, I also end up pushing people away. I fear that because my feelings overwhelm me, they will also overwhelm everyone else. This fear keeps me from accepting help when it is offered, and my self worth prevents me from being motivated to help myself. I need to try to feel safe enough to reach out for the hands that are offered to me. I need to believe that I'm worth caring for. Maybe I need to do it for others and hope that eventually I will see that I'm worth it.

Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

Yep, that's me alright:)

16 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I can relate to telling people "I'm fine". That is usually enough to get people to leave me alone. You are worth caring about. Don't give up.

Angela said...

Thanks Wanda!

Flannery said...

"I fear that because my feelings overwhelm me, they will also overwhelm everyone else."

This. Yes. I'm so afraid of overwhelming people and driving them away. Then I keep too much in until I can't hold it back anymore.

Being honest is so scary. Your blog is so brave!

Anonymous said...

I empathize with where you are, but the only way to get better is to think outside of yourself. You need to stop with the self pity and self loathing as these are selfish behaviors and will never allow you to move on. I'm still unclear as to why your four sons and husband are not enough for you to do whatever is you are wanting to do. If they aren't enough I'm not sure anything ever will be.

Angela said...

Anonymous,
I agree with you, I'm just trying to figure out how to stop, and how to boost my self esteem. I've listened to the negative voice in my head for so long, that now I think it is a bad habit that I'm in. I want to be a better person for my family, but eventually, I think I have to want it for myself.

Anonymous said...

You need to be strong. Stronger than you could have ever imagined. You have to want to be healthy more than you want to be sick. It's hard to break bad habits, but it is possible. You just have to want it enough. At some point you will get sick of being sick...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Perhaps if you would decide to do this for your family, that would be enough to make you realize you want it for yourself. Think of them first and then maybe everything else will fall into place. If you give of yourself to others, then you start feeling better about yourself, not the other way around. It's when we give of ourselves that we start to fill up the emptiness in our own lives. Wanting to be healthy for your family should allow you to realize you want to be healthy for yourself. It should all fall into place once you get your priorities in order. Life has a funny way of doing that.

Paula said...

I ve learned at therapy that teh word "I need", "I must" increase the pressure. Well we are masters in pressurizing ourselves... my first small step was removing those words. meant I had to look for different words. Meant I stopped and looked inside. Helped a lot. Meant I came a bit in contact with myself, stopped me running, hiding from myself first. By now I say: I am loving, I am loveable, I am loving. I focus on more awareness. Structuring the sentences differently, takes the pressure away and I looked for more positive structures. Felt funny - yet fake it till you feel it works for me. The more oftne I say it, the easier it becomes, the easier focusing and concentrating on the positve became. Having managed this step I added daily 10 min where I imagined what I would do having reached this level, this step, etc. Whatever I imagined I broke down in small steps and carry on. Hard work. Worthwhile though.

Anonymous said...

Mr or Ms Anonymous,
Did they teach you in your Master/Doc Therapy classes that telling people what to do and how to do it, does not help them? You have to help lead them to the truth and not tell them what it is. The words you speak are true for you, but that doesnt mean they are true or real for others. Maybe you should try helping and not telling!!

Superman

Ann said...

You aren't alone Angela, most days I feel FINE too. Hang in there

Anonymous said...

Superman - interesting comment because every single person responding on this blog is saying what has helped them and sharing it. My entry is no different. I never said my truth was the right way for anyone. But it is OK to show a little tough love to try to empower someone to make a positive change in their life. After years and years of abuse and neglect if someone is not getting any closer to "their truth" perhaps a gentle push in a different direction can be embraced.

Lily said...

"I fear that because my feelings overwhelm me, they will also overwhelm everyone else."

Man, that hit me like a slap in the face. This about sums up my life.

Anonymous said...

Ok, to not make this about you and me because this blog is not ours. I believe that "tough love" only works on those who respond to it in a positive way or in a way that is acceptable to the person who is showing the "tough love". You used the statement, it is ok. Is it your place to say that it is ok? Who said "tough love" is right or even ok? It is like you are attempting to convince yourself or others that your way is right. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but attempting to stay away from making blanket statements when helping someone might work better. Just a thought. This will be my last entry on this matter. This is not my blog and it should not be about you and me.

Sorry Angela!!

Superman

Anonymous said...

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe there are any "rules" in blogging and that freedom of speech is just that..a freedom. I never asked you to respond to my entry so it is you that has made it about something else other than Angela. I am not attacking anyone's entries so why are you attacking mine? Very odd. My words are not hateful nor have I said my way is the only way. It is all merely suggestions and things to think about. That is the exact point of this blog. To share knowledge, wisdom, thoughts, ideas. Saying something "is OK" is merely my opinion as is everything that everyone writes here...their opinion. I'm not sure why you are so upset about any of this. There is no need to apoligize on my behalf. I'm perfectly fine with sharing my thoughts...right, wrong or indifferent.

Angela said...

Here are my thoughts on "tough love." I don't think that "tough love" makes me feel empowered, and I don't think calling people names is part of "tough love." Calling me selfish only makes me feel bad about myself, and that is something that I don't need any help with. I know that Superman is only doing his job, which is to come to the rescue:) Everyone here has given me something to think about, and I appreciate everyone's thoughts and ideas. I will use what fits.

Sunny said...

I remember that F.I.N.E. from therapy when I was a teenager, except I was told it was:

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Evasive

:)

I say...give yourself a break. You would be willing to do so for anyone else.

stigma no more said...

Hi Angela,
This is a common word used around the program, I am there with you some days. I empathize with the not accepting help, that is what has gotten to where I am today. It is hard to change the old tapes, but baby step by baby step we are doing it, just by being open about it and sharing so hopefully we help someone out there who feels alone. I love your blog, Keep on sharing good or bad, the truth does set us free, slowly but surely,
Thanks Angela,
Janet :)