Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Questioning My Feelings


I'm realizing that I constantly question my own feelings. I ask myself why I'm feeling them instead of acknowledging them and validating them. This morning I felt inexplicably happy, and then immediately asked myself why. In the case of happiness, I think I question so that I can hang on to it, forgetting that there are a myriad of reasons for joy. Pain, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, disappointment...those feelings are all bad in my mind. I label them, squirm away from them, and feel shame that I even have those feelings, especially if some of them are directed toward someone else. I'm going to try to be more aware of this. How many times in treatment and therapy have I heard the phrase, "You need to sit with your feelings." That is difficult for me to do.
I've been a bit manic lately with sleepless nights, and racing thoughts, and then of course questioning again, I wonder if I confuse happiness with the high that comes from a manic phase. I don't have them often anymore. I think for the most part the meds keep me on an even keel.
I'm looking forward to spring so much. We have had a few teasers here and there, and I can't wait to see the crocus, daffodils, and redbuds bloom. Winter always seems so endless, as if there is nothing to look forward to, but spring offers new possibilities, or at least the promise of them. I love the idea of something wonderful waiting right around the corner:)


Blue Butterfly said...

I suppose in questioning our feelings, we hope to find something tangible to hold onto because we're afraid we might be mistaken in feeling the way we do.

That's one reason I write in my diary: to immortalise whatever I felt/thought/did, as if my words will have the power to conjure slumbering memories when I need to convince myself in the distant future that they did happen, once.

I live in a tropical country where it's summer all year round. I would love to have my little patch of winter some day.


Blue Butterfly said...

P/s - music always helps on nights when I can't sleep. I hope it helps you too! ;)

Wanda's Wings said...

Just go with the happiness even if it is because you are a little manic. Happiness is just too good to waste on wondering why.

Catherine said...

Dear Angela, Sometimes we question happiness because we don't feel worthy or deserving of happiness. We must remember that we are worthy and deserving of happiness and the simple pleasure of life. Allow yourself to enjoy the wonders of life. I am so happy that you are looking forward to the beautiful miracles of life. The flowers and spring time. A time for blooming and beauty. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings to you, Catherine

I Hate to Weight said...

i live for spring. it gives me such hope.

there are times when any and every emotion makes me very anxious.

sometimes, i try to just sit. not even sit with feelings -- just sit. it's kind of grounding.

ahhh, spring

Sia Jane said...

I can relate to the high/mania/happiness/joy thing.
It can sometimes take us time to trust ourselves.
Equally, with the questioning.
I think as we heal, it does destabilize us because it is different than the old patterns.
And as that process evolves, we learn to trust ourselves again.
It is okay to question, but it is also okay to let go xxxx

kb4jesus said...

I'm learning that feelings are okay. Even if I feel pain, or sorrow, that at least I am allowing myself to feel instead of stuffing the feelings down or covering the feelings up. I'mm working on what to do instead, a replacement behavior for the self-destructiveness that eating disorders bring. I'm learning to feel comfortable with being with my self and with my emotions and that "normal" is not what I learned as a child. "Normal" is what is in the eye of he beholder and not in the eye of judgemental.

Angela said...

You all gave me such wonderful comments. Thank you!

Francis Hunt said...

It's one of the lousy things about having to deal with bi-polar issues that you always have to keep an eye on your feelings. And I have bi-polar friends who tend to act in ways most damaging to themselves when they are in a manic phase - feeling that they rule the world - rather than in a depressive one (but I probably don't have to tell you anything about that!)

On the other hand, if your taking the meds and your life is otherwise ok, then why not just relax and enjoy the happiness - and the energy it gives you? :-)