Thursday, February 24, 2011



Here I am again, sleepless and frustrated. Sometimes I don't mind it if I can't sleep, but tonight it is really getting to me because it is starting to take its toll. I'm tired, but I can't shut down my mind. I go through the day in my head, counting the mistakes that I've made, and it drives me insane. Today it was the fact that I had to stand up in front of my co-workers and lead a discussion group. I got up there and blundered my way through it, with my legs shaking the entire time. Everyone was very supportive, but still I couldn't help feeling scutinized and judged. Logically I know that it is most likely all in my mind, but my emotions override all logic. I'm also already worrying about a test that I have to take in May. It is ridiculous to do this to myself, and yet I don't know what to do to stop it. I have sleep medication, but it doesn't seem to be working as well. I try to do relaxing visualizations while I'm in bed, but still the thoughts creep in.
I want to write about the fact that I'm barely eating...maybe 300 calories a day, if that, but there is really not much to say. I'm determined to lose weight, as if that will make everything else go away. I still have clothes in my closet that are too small, and I obsess over them, the way I obsess over what I'm going to wear each day. My mom and I weeded out some clothes in my closet when I came home from treatment, but I still hung on to quite a bit. I honestly don't want to let go. I see my nutritionist tomorrow, and I don't even know what to talk about. She knows that I'm not doing well with food, but right now I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to change my mind. I will know when I've reached a weight that I'm happy with. All I want is to feel better about myself.


Anonymous said...

You will never feel better about yourself until you commit to a life you want and be done with it, stop making excuses for it, and stop searching for so much validation from other people (your family, your therapist, your nutritionist, your friends, your coworkers, all the people who respond to your blog). You are getting so many mixed messages depending on everyone's personal agendas, and that keeps you in a constant state of flux and turmoil so I'm sure it's very confusing to try to define who you are. Who would be happy in that state of mind? If you read your past blogs, every other day you want to be better and every other day you don't. I would bet it's tied in to whoever you talked to that day and whoever influenced you with their opinion. Get off the roller coaster and stop worrying about all of the outside influences. You have to define what "healthy" is and what "happy" is and you are fighting so hard against both of them because you are constantly so confused about what you want. Your blog is evidence of that. You are pushing back and forth with so much animosity that it's time for you to just live your life the way you want, make the choice for either way (just make a choice!)and move on with your life. You don't need anyone's permission or validation to do that.

Catherine said...

Angela, I agree with anonymous you must stop looking for outside approval. I am sure you know what is right from wrong. Be happy with yourself and your decisions. Just being in a smaller size does not define happiness. Stop worrying about the clothes in the back of your closet. Donate them. Move on from that. Blessings, Catherine

Wanda's Wings said...

Angela sometimes it is a good idea to get rid of those clothes in the back of the closet. It just causes us unneeded pain. I do hope you find sleep soon. Just remember you are the perfect size you are meant to be. Hugs my friend.

Just me said...

Big hugs xxx

The Woollen Typist said...

All the commenters above have said everything perfectly.

As for the the short term maybe go see your doctor about new meds (but if you take those long enough, they too will stop working).
Maybe some gentle exercise will help with the sleeping issue (and I mean gentle...not obsessive for the purpose of weight loss...sorry I had to make that clear).

Hope things improve. xx:)

Haley said...

I know it's hard, but the thing is you will never "reach a weight that you're happy with"..
ED is going to keep talking, and it's gonna be hard for you to stop listening once you let that voice take over. You know this!
300 calories is SO LITTLE :( It makes me want to cry that you're hurting yourself like this. You're a beautiful woman who deserves so much more.
Try to look at yourself through God's eyes. You're perfect.
<3 Haley