Better

Here I am again, sleepless and frustrated. Sometimes I don't mind it if I can't sleep, but tonight it is really getting to me because it is starting to take its toll. I'm tired, but I can't shut down my mind. I go through the day in my head, counting the mistakes that I've made, and it drives me insane. Today it was the fact that I had to stand up in front of my co-workers and lead a discussion group. I got up there and blundered my way through it, with my legs shaking the entire time. Everyone was very supportive, but still I couldn't help feeling scutinized and judged. Logically I know that it is most likely all in my mind, but my emotions override all logic. I'm also already worrying about a test that I have to take in May. It is ridiculous to do this to myself, and yet I don't know what to do to stop it. I have sleep medication, but it doesn't seem to be working as well. I try to do relaxing visualizations while I'm in bed, but still the thoughts creep in.
I want to write about the fact that I'm barely eating...maybe 300 calories a day, if that, but there is really not much to say. I'm determined to lose weight, as if that will make everything else go away. I still have clothes in my closet that are too small, and I obsess over them, the way I obsess over what I'm going to wear each day. My mom and I weeded out some clothes in my closet when I came home from treatment, but I still hung on to quite a bit. I honestly don't want to let go. I see my nutritionist tomorrow, and I don't even know what to talk about. She knows that I'm not doing well with food, but right now I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to change my mind. I will know when I've reached a weight that I'm happy with. All I want is to feel better about myself.