Friday, February 25, 2011

I Believe


I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my therapists office. She asks me to do this, and I hate when she wants me to try one of her therapy tricks. I'm self conscious, fearing that I will look like an idiot, or I will do it wrong. I roll my eyes, but I go ahead and sit on the carpet, my legs tucked into my chest, and my arms wrapped around my knees. She tells me to close my eyes, which I reluctantly do. "How do you feel?" she asks. Besides stupid, which is what I think to myself, I reply truthfully that I feel safe and protected in this position. She then asks me to hold my arms out to my sides, as if I was flying, and to put my legs out in front of me. I actually feel my heart rate increase as she asks me once again how I feel. I hate it, feeling open, vulnerable, and entirely out of my comfort zone. She asks me what I make of the exercise, and at first I say, "I don't know," which is my standard response to being questioned. "Yes, you do," she smiles. "Put on your therapists hat and tell me what you think." I pause for a minute, gathering my thoughts, and then I say, "A therapist would probably say that I'm closing myself off, afraid of expansion and growth." Really, I knew the answer the entire time, but I'm always afraid that I will be wrong. She agrees with my insight, raising her eyebrows, and waiting for me to say more, but what more is there to say? I could have told her that without having to do the exercise. It is important for me to feel safe and protected, and changes, either good or bad, make me anxious and unsettled. That is why I'm the most comfortable when I'm entrenched in my eating disorder. I feel as if nothing and no one can touch me. I'm only focused on reaching my goal, although history has proven that the goal is unattainable. Nevertheless, it keeps me from feeling exposed. "Doesn't it make you sad that you are closing yourself off from the world?" she asks me. I honestly don't feel like that is what I'm doing. I'm out in the world, I work, I see people, I'm comfortable this way. I'm supposed to want to change, to move forward and past the pain, but the eating disorder takes away the pain. My therapist would argue that it also takes away the joy, but I disagree. She tells me that the eating disorder has created an illusion, and it has tricked me into believing its lies. I'm stubborn, and past listening to anyone at this point. Leave me alone, I'm in control, it won't go too far, I know what I'm doing this time. And I believe. I truly believe.


Wanda's Wings said...


ambivalence said...

this would scare the shit out of me. (((((ANGELA)))))

Sia Jane said...

This makes me sad.
This is no way to live.
And as you say, you are the only one who can make that choice.
I am just sad this is what you are choosing.

And yes you may "function" but an eating disorder is, and always will be, a way to die, not live.

It is the denial that kills.

You deserve more, as do those who love you xxxx

Lily said...

I would feel very self conscious doing that exercise, too. But I'm glad you trusted your t enough to let yourself be vulnerable in that sense!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Sia Jane. Your blog is proof every day that you are not happy and that your life is not joyful. Denial will kill you, because it is only by being honest that you can truly live.

Catherine said...

Dear Angela, Writing your thoughts is a form of therapy and you must read your thoughts and decide what you would advise if this were not you writing them down. I will keep you in my prayers, Blessings, Catherine

Anonymous said...

You truly can never grow into your full potential as a human, unless you learn from your mistakes. If you are scared of making mistakes, you will never learn how far you can take yourself.