Saturday, May 31, 2014

You Are The Answer

I'm moved and amazed by how we touch others;
how we pass throughout our days unaware of the impact we make, 
and how even the simplest of gestures can change the course of a day. 
When we are in pain, and filled with despair, 
we don't realize how we would be missed. 
Imagine believing that our pain was endless...
how do we ask someone to stay? 
How do we find the will to keep going when all we can see is darkness ahead? 
It is difficult for someone who hasn't felt such infinite hopelessness to understand wanting to end your own life. 
I lived in silence for so long, 
turning away from all that I didn't want to see. 
I would awaken each morning, and before I even had a chance to grasp the light, 
shame would wash over me, and it took everything I had inside to face the day. 
My suicide attempts were planned, and yet also impulsive.
 I would obsessively think of ways to end my life, 
allowing the thoughts of nothingness to comfort me. 
Those thoughts never included who I would be leaving behind, 
or what I had yet to accomplish. 
Yes, it was selfish. 
Pain is not rational...
It is exhausting.
I'm grateful for all of the arms that reached out to pull me back to shore 
when I was drowning. 
I didn't realize how much I wanted to live, 
or what living would even mean; 
I believed that I was deeply flawed, and broken beyond repair.
Healing shame and believing in my value is an ongoing process,
but I am worthy of the effort.
We all are deserving of joy.
We are here for boundless reasons we will never fully understand. 
Our lives, 
no matter how short our time here on earth, 
reaching beyond our limited comprehension, 
in an everlasting circle that expands outward, 
embracing eternity. 

"If you are falling...dive. Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the questions when you are the answer." 
~Joseph Campbell