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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Not Eating And Other Random Stuff

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Today eating is not going so well, in fact, actually it is not going at all. Why does it feel so hard to walk into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat? If someone else made it for me, the likelihood that I would eat would probably increase. The act of actually nurturing myself is so very difficult. I want confirmation that I deserve to eat…that I am worthy. Crazy, huh? I plan on eating dinner, but that is the best that I can do today, considering that it is already 4:30. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it. I know that there will be days like this, but I wish that I could pinpoint why some days are easier than others. Oh well...here are some other random things to talk about besides eating disordered behaviors:)

  • We are having an amazingly beautiful thunderstorm here at the moment. I lit some candles in the house, and turned on the twinkle lights that adorn the mantle on my fireplace. It is pretty. I like it:)
  • Today #4 son brought home a piece of crap garage sale chair that vibrates, without asking first, and now it is sitting in our front yard getting soaking wet! Gotta love it, because what else am I going to do?
  • #4 son also decided to walk to Taco Bell with friends. It was before the storm hit, and now he is somewhere stuck in the rain. Dave went looking for him, he is not at Taco Bell, and isn't answering his cell phone. He probably isn't carrying it, which is a rule, so can we all say GROUNDED! #4 son is something else. He is the one who needed stitches, of course:)
  • #1 son racked up a $500 cell phone bill because he was talking to his girlfriend for hours. #1 son, who is also 19, doesn't have a job, and took a year off before going to college. Can we all say freeloading sponge:) All said in jest, of course. He is a good kid, no drugs, tattoos, or piercings. I'm the only one who gets tattoos and piercings;-)

Enough randomness for now. I'm off to cook dinner, and yes, I'm going to eat some of it.

7 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

Wishing you well on being able to eat. I seem to to get sick every time I try to eat any more. Kids can drive you crazy, but they are worth every minute of time you have with them.

Missy said...

Hang in there! Just keep doing the "next best thing" ok? Don't beat yourself up over today's meals or lack there-of. Now what? Next best thing...eat dinner. You did it! Keep going... (have a snack!)
Missy

Ann said...

Accept it for what it is, not a good eating day, and try again tomorrow :)
Those kids gotta love em or else you'll kill em...lol

Ruth said...

Sorry you're having a rough day eating-wise, maybe the boys being troublesome triggered it?

Definitely sounds like #4 is in trouble, as for #1--this month my dd's cell bill is over $400 (how the heck did she do that??) and last year at one point she had two big bills in a row, between the two months the bill was over $1000. Yikes! Makes me want to just cancel it.

Paula said...

It is ok not being perfect. it is ok having draw backs. It is ok eating dinner onyl once in a while. It is ok looking for comfort and affection form the outside. It is ok as well to get nourishment and affection form one self. Love from my heart to yours.

Mimi said...

I think it's good to really think through why there's a resistance to eating. Today I'm having difficulties myself but they're actually towards bingeing (which my anorectic side absolutely hates of course...) But I'm tryint to stop and think and I realise that the desire to listen to the ED voice is because I'm having a really hard time dealing with things that are happening in my life. If I feel bad, if I'm anxious/stressed/whatever... not eating or going to other way and bingeing are so much easier solutions than having to deal with the pain. But of course that is what I have to do...
Keep fighting and keep nourishing yourself. You so deserve it!
Love, Mimi

ECH said...

hope you managed to eat a little something today. it is ard to fight the demons, i know. stay strong xx