Friday, June 4, 2010



My body image pretty much sucks right now. I ate dinner, and felt really full, which I am not at all comfortable with. I actually thought about purging, and that is something that I haven't done or even thought about in a long time. Instead, I jumped on the treadmill. What is strange is that I also did some strength training and stretching today. I should be feeling great about my body, right? I also lost another 1/2 lb. when I was weighed by my nutritionist. I should be jumping for joy, right? Yet I feel so down on myself today. My nutritionist is the one who suggested the stretching and strength training. She said it would help me to feel in tune and connect more with my body, instead of just zoning out on the treadmill. Maybe that was the problem today. I actually felt connected to my own body, and that was scary. For so long, I've hated my body, and feeling in touch with it didn't feel very great. I remember doing yoga when I was in the eating disorder treatment center, and actually crying because I could feel my body. I've disconnected from it since the rape, and feeling it is really hard for me. Wow, just writing this out has helped me to understand why today has been rough. I will continue to work through this and hopefully by tomorrow I will feel better about myself.


Flannery said...

Love and good thoughts! I certainly know what you mean about feeling disconnected.

Mimi said...

That does sound rough! The disconnected feeling is a struggle for me, too. I've neglected to listen to hunger signals and hated my own body for so long simply stretching feels weird- I just don't want to "hear" my own body. But it's time to change that. Try to appreciate the wonderful things we get from it. I read you have four sons? That if anything says your body is truly fantastic.
Hope you're feeling better today, and thank you for your sweet comment on my blog:)

Ann said...

I'm proud of you for making the choice to exercise instead of purging. Hope tomorrow is a better day

Missy said...

Good job on not doing anything "stupid" to deal with the rough patch.

I SO know what you mean about the yoga-connecting bit. I used to have a 1-2 hour yoga practice, which fell wayside as my anorexia progressed and now I just can't seem to get back into it. I am afraid of feeling my stomack expand, being in downward dog and staring at my thighs..etc. Maybe it just takes some time.

I also imagine that if I "let go" and did the yoga it would be WAY instrumental in my healing precisely because off all that it brings up, so I an not giving up.

Thanks for sharing!

mariposai said...

Hey there,

Thanks for commenting :-) Sorry to hear your body image is difficult right now, and I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Sarah x

Nicole said...

I'm sorry you are struggling with body image issues right now, Angie. I know all too well how that feels. I also have a hard time when it comes to connecting with my body and acknowledging its existence. It's just so scary.

You are a truly beautiful person, inside and out, and I hope one day you will be able to see that.

All my love <3<3<3

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

I'm so sorry that today was rough, but I'm glad that towards the end of the post you were very positive!! Have you tried Yoga? I'm just wondering because it has been such a stepping stone for me.