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Thursday, June 3, 2010

Total Recovery

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I've been trying on and fitting into clothes that I haven't been able to wear in awhile, and it is exhilarating, but it also scares me. Whenever I have lost weight in the past, it has never been enough. What if this time is no different? What if I'm fooling myself into believing that I'm recovering. The obsessive thoughts about my weight are still there, and maybe those never go away. It makes me feel so sad to think about forever having a sick mind, and having to be attached to this eating disorder for the rest of my life. I guess the truth is that I haven't convinced myself that there is such a thing as total recovery. Yes, I'm feeding my body more often than not, and I'm exercising, but am I working out to be healthy, or to lose weight? I need to be honest with myself about this, and really all that I want is to lose more weight. Today I see my nutritionist, and I don't usually ask her to weigh me, but I want to know if I've lost more. I actually know that I have by the way my clothes fit, but I want to hear it. The only thing is that I know she will think that I'm doing it in an unhealthy way, which I really don't believe that I am. My mind set is still unhealthy, but I feel like I'm doing all of the right things. I still think that being too thin looks good. There, I said it! Isn't it horrible to think that? It tells me that I'm still not in a good place. Being eating disordered has been a part of my idenity for so long. Am I afraid of who I will be without it? I know these are questions that I need to answer for myself, and if I dig deep enough, I know I will find the answers. My friend Jackie would tell me that there is such a thing as total recovery because she has found it. How do I get to that place inside of my mind, and do I want it bad enough?

8 Comments:

Ann said...

Just remember that your eating disorder isn't who you are, it's just a part of what you do to hide from your fears. You are so much more than your eating disorder.

Angela said...

Very Wise, Ann:) Thank you!

Wanda's Wings said...

It sounds like things are improving. Just remember health both physically and mentally are the goals.

Paula said...

You are so much more then the sum of eating disorder and mental illness. For myself I can tell you that even after years in recovery and vast improvements I am not sure if complete mental health is possible for me. Yet it has lost some of it urge for me to us I improved so much and getting my tool box together. By now complete mental health has lost its urge to reach. By now step by step is ok. It is OK. Not sure if that makes sense? Love and hugs

Lydia @ On The Verge said...

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate them.

Angela said...

Thanks Wanda and Paula:)

Paula, you made a lot of sense, and you are right that step by step is ok. that is all I can do anyway. I appreciate your comment so much!

Mimi said...

Such an incredibly brave post. Really warms my heart, because I can so relate to these thoughts. They feel so awful- maybe I don't want it bad enough? Maybe I don't truly believe I can make it all the way? It's great to know you're not alone in feeling this way. So thanks for sharing. And let's keep hoping and striving for that future where we actually do recover fully, to 100%!

Missy said...

Angela,
Wow. I feel like you have put words to the background melody in my head...I relate SO entirely to everything you just wrote. I have thought SO many times...If I am really being honest, I want to lose weight. And it's true.
No real words of wisdom for you yet but one thing I try to remember is that feelings cannot be controlled, but actions can. It's based on "constructive living." Then, your actions eventually shape your feelings a little bit. Sometimes I stop myself (i.e..."Okay, Missy. Let's NOT try on another pair of shorts. Enough. Relax). But it is easier said than done! Someday, Angela, I truly believe if we can get through this the "Shouting" of ED will turn into a whisper.