Dave just left to go play golf, and all that I can think about is getting back on the treadmill, even though I have already worked out. I want to stop my mind from racing around in circles, and have a bit of peace. I'm isolating myself today, staying in my room, catching up on laundry, and keeping away from the chaos that is a house full of teenage boys. Maybe the quiet is what is making my mind feel like a crazy persons. Isolating is never a good sign though, and I know this. I don't want one day to turn into two, and so on...I suppose that being aware is a positive. It means that I care about myself. I never want to spiral into the depression and self harming thoughts that I had only months ago. They are months that now seem so far away, and yet only an arms length away. The pain is tangible and strong sometimes, and come at moments that side swipe me. Like now, when all I want to do is give in and cry, about what I don't even know. I'm coping on my own, without the anorexia, although I still have strong thoughts of wanting the distraction of the disease back. Ahhh, the numbing obsession of it all still haunts and tugs at me, pulling me in two directions...to recover or fall into a dangerous trap. I'm choosing recovery, but it feels tenuous at times, like holding onto a frayed rope that is ready to snap at a moments notice. All of these feelings are to be expected I suppose, but nevertheless, maddening. At least for now the teariness has subsided. Writing is good for my soul:)
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Getting it all out even if it's on a piece of paper that no one else will ever see can be very therapeutic I think. I also believe that some quiet time to oneself can also be good, gives you a chance to reflect on things. Tomorrow is another day and you can get back into the swing of things again.
Thanks Ann~
You are right about getting back into the swing of things tomorrow. I'm sure that I will:)
You really got me thinking about the isolation part of it- how one day can lead to 2, then 3, etc. (Just like the restricting can get out of control, too). I try to be around my family more instead of always in my room, but in truth I am still struggling with really being "there". It all takes a LOT of work doesn't it?
Dear Angela,
today I have found a internet cafe on my pilgrimage and I am so happy trhat I visit you today. When I started recovery my t asked whether I think it is easier or harder then stqying in my old path. I didnt like it a bit to heqr it will be often harder then the usual crap I have any way! Whilst I am Pagan? I will visit the church here and ask the God of your understqnding for patience qnd support.
Love, Paula
Hi Angela!
I can totally relate to this post! I'm currently in recovery from anorexia after a 25+ year battle and yeah .... challenging to say the least!! but you're absolutely correct - being aware is half the battle. Keep on keeping on! It's progress, not perfection :)
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