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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Doubting Myself

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"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."
~Kahlil Gibran~

How many blog posts have I started with these two words...I'm struggling. I have now spent over a full week purging food, avoiding food, and most of all using these behaviors to avoid my feelings, whatever those may be. You see, I have no idea what feelings I'm trying to avoid. For whatever reason, I'm afraid to get too close to those feelings, and the eating disorder is my old stand by. I'm afraid that I'm always going to live this way, but I'm even more afraid to live without it, and so I keep on returning. I tell myself that it is about my weight and how unhappy I am with the numbers on the scale, and I believe this is true. I can't seem to grasp the whole idea that my weight does not make up my worth. I don't at all think this about other people. It only pertains to who I think I am, and I know that doesn't make any sense. Nothing about how I think makes any sense. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles in my mind, especially when I see my therapist, and try to rationalize these thoughts. Sometimes I walk out of there, and I just feel more confused, and angry with myself. She must be getting so frustrated with me at this point. I feel like I wear a mask, especially around the people that I'm closest to, and I live my life smiling, hiding, and lying to those that I love. I know that I need to be more patient with myself, but it is so hard when I keep slipping back down. I wish that I had more faith in myself and the recovery process right now.

9 Comments:

Diff.thinkr said...

A very very VERY impressive site... Hoping to read more......

Mike Golch said...

Great post,we all have to face our inner demons somehow.

clean and crazy said...

you sound like an addict, once you take that first drug you release your addiction all over again. in your case you are addicted to purging. so now you simply have to start over. at step one. your thoughts swirling in your head are like your addict trying to slowly kill you and this is perfectly normal, from my view you are OK. you just need to stop and start over. quit beating yourself up for acting out on these behaviors because it doesn't matter. what matters is your willingness to share to me which says you want to stop and for my fellowship the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. you have that desire now you just need to surrender and accept the situation and start on some stepwork. if you want we can pen pal each other to do some step work, that is if your therapist doesn't know how to do some. drop me a line and let me know. you deserve to be happy and you are an amazingly strong soul. you just need a little more faith in yourself. you have shown it before, and you can have it again. take care of you.

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

We all slip now and then. It's perfectly normal.
I like what Clean and Crazy said... some stepwork would be helpful.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought about seeing another therapist? It doesn't seem like you are making significant progress with this doctor. Sometimes we slip into a comfortable place with our doctors/physicians/therapists and we don't always realize it's not a good place to be. If you had cancer you would get a second opinion right? For a serious illness it is always in our best interest to make sure we are getting the best care and maybe it's time to get a second opinion.

Liane Jerry said...

I'm sorry its been hard. What do you think would happen if you felt the feelings you are avoiding?
I overeat for comfort and purge out of guilt. And, if I may, throw the scale away. It is a tool of evil and defeat. Nothing triggers my out of control food issues and the voice in my head like the bathroom scale. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Really!

Angel said...

I too purge out of guilt. I'm not sure what would happen if I could actually feel the feelings. I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle them, and that I would lose control.

Susan said...

Angel; I dont know what to say other than I've been there and done that and I'm sorry you are struggling. In my journey I found that finally feeling the feelings was at first scary and difficult but in time it gets easier and the addictive (avoidance) behavior starts to take a back seat. It's hard work doing what you are doing. You can do this.

Michelle said...

Hi Angela,
I am in the same boat. Was actually just hospitalized for being suicidal. I took avoiding my emotions to the extreme after 2 weeks of non stop purging. I am hoping to start (again) an intensive eating disorder program. Good luck to both of us.

~Michelle