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Friday, July 24, 2009

Tightrope

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I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang on to what is truly important. Choosing between sickness or health sounds so simple and I feel like an idiot, and such a broken record. I bore myself with all of this, and I'm sure that it makes for dull reading at this point. "When will this woman get it together", you say! I'm right there with you, wondering the same damn thing, and yet, I do have hope. I'm hanging onto it for dear life.

10 Comments:

Sandi said...

I think you are the type who will get better once and for all. I think so because you are aware of the problem in your mind. You know it for what it is. It's like a person who is an alcoholic perhaps. Or a former smoker. It's always with you even if you give it up. Even if you stop doing it because you know it's bad it doesn't END the desire. Right? I don't have an eating disorder but I can understand how they occur and why. I think I have always had a sort of bad image of my own body when most people tell me I am too skinny. I just do NOT see it. So yes....I can understand how you see yourself the way you do. I just got lucky I think that I never developed an eating disorder. I hope you do work it out and I do know that it isn't an overnight fix to get rid of the thoughts and the tug and pull you describe. I imagine it's very hard. I wish you the best of luck and know that there are many out here who support you and don't feel you are a broken record at all.

Robin said...

I don't have an eating disorder but I can still identify with the feelings of self loathing. Someone once said to me that if one day at a time is too much to handle... then take it one moment at a time.
I look at the progress I've made to date and I never look into the future.
{HUGS}

Nancy said...

Praying that you will find true peace and freedom, Angie. I'm always here--I just don't know what to say most of the time. Love you!

Mike Golch said...

Angela,just keep putting one foot forward at a time and YOU WILL MAKE IT!It is just like my soberity,it took me a long time to find it and afters several false starts I finally got sober 17 December 1990.

Ann said...

Angela, this is your blog so you can sound like a broken record all you want. Especially if this is what it takes for you to hang on. Hold on to your hope and if at times it doesn't feel like enough, know that there are others who have hope for you to carry you through

Anna said...

One breath, one moment and one step at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, just work within this moment.

Liane Jerry said...

I'm sorry things are hard right now. You can do this. Rest, breathe, create...we are so much more than what we eat or don't eat.
take care,
Liane

sarah said...

I learned for me it was safer to focus on the eating disorder than the pain inside I coudn't talk about. Hang it there. Sarah

Becki said...

I had to say I LOVE that picture!

Lots of thoughts and prayers for you in your struggle! {{hugs}}

Beautifuldreamer said...

I don't have an eating disorder either, but feeling like an idiot? I've plenty of reasons for that. I battle those feelings every day.

Your writings aren't dull or boring because they're honest. It takes courage to open up the way that you do, and for that alone you deserve kind words and safe hugs.