Just Breathe

It's almost time for my therapy session, and I'm ambivalent about going. I'm doing great in so many ways, but still there are the triggers. Triggers having to do with the rape, and eating disorder triggers are combined with that. I had problems with my asthma this weekend, and that always brings up memories of the rape and feeling suffocated. After my rape, I had a few weeks where I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks, and that is what my previous post and poem was about. This weekend, it really brought those memories to the surface for me, and it took all that I had to stay in the here and now. I had a lot of help from my husband who did a great job of calming and relaxing me. It seems that I always struggle for a few days after a dissociative episode. I feel as if I'm almost unable to connect to this world, and it takes everything I have to stay grounded in reality. I know that I will have to talk about this in therapy today, and delving into the past brings anxiety and relief all at the same time. I'm craving a drink or something to numb these emotions, but I know that will just postpone the inevitable pain, so I'm doing all that I can to distract myself in the way of errands and writing. It is helping, and for that, I am grateful. I'm also grateful for the safety of my life as it is right now. I have so much to be thankful for!
In other news, this weekend my oldest son put diesal gas in my car. Wrong in so many ways! He called us at 12:30 a.m. to pick him up from the side of the road after he called a tow truck to tow my car to the dealership. All that I can say is that he is eighteen, and if that is the most trouble that he can get into on a Saturday night, than once again, I am grateful! On that note, I will head to therapy:)