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Friday, July 31, 2009

Around And Around

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I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoid feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being stubborn. My thinking seems so distorted and irrational to everyone but me, and seeing my therapist and nutritionist seems pointless right now. I mentioned that to my therapist, and she said that the eating disorder is hanging on for dear life, and that this was when I really need my treatment team the most. I'm tired of needing help though.
I just want to be done.

8 Comments:

Ruth said...

It's always darkest before the dawn, they say...while there's life there's hope.

Cheesy cliches, maybe, but the idea behind them is sound--the worst time to give up is when it's most tempting to do so.

Hang in there! You're not alone.

Erik said...

I have a dear friend who battled with an eating disorder. She finally got to the weight she wanted and she was more miserable than ever. By that point she ended up losing hair and teeth due to malnutrition and ended up losing a very devoted husband of 12 years who couldn't watch her hate herself any more.

As you can imagine, things have not improved for her since then.

Don't beat yourself up for needing some help through tough times.

What I have figured out is that I have very little figured out. It used to depress me, now it is a strange and wonderful comfort.

Much love.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Hi Angel,
It's good to find you again. What can I say here to help you? If I remember my days as an active practicing Bulimic then probably not too much.

If I don't use the method of throwing up then even with proper diet and exercise I am always a little on the chubby side.

So for years to stay slim, fit into that size 1,2 or God forbid a 4, I kept it up.

I now need extensive dental care for which I can't afford. So I can't smile a cheery smile at anyone due to missing teeth.

I think if you go look at the bottom post on my page you will see that I am not unattractive at all for a 52 year old woman.

However, when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. I have not thrown up in over 3 years now.

But, I fight the urge after every single meal.

You have 2 choices. Stop the Anorexia or die!

To kill yourself, no matter the route you take is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.

Think of the loved ones you are going to devastate.

Sorry to be so blunt here but this is the truth....eat or die!

I will pray that you choose to eat and live!! I did!!

Much love,
Jackie

Shinade aka Jackie said...

I can't get you out of my thoughts. My comment was harsh and chiding. I apologize for that.

But, I care for you very deeply. Please just know that sooner or later everything truly does change.

You just have to hang in there, do the best you can, have faith, work with your therapists, and you can make it Angel!!

You have a very loving and caring spirit. I see you reaching out to others. I just feel that you are stronger than what you may believe yourself to be.

I will hold you close in my thoughts, wrapped in love and caring, meditation and prayer!

Wrapping you up in a great big hug!
Jackie XX'S

Angel said...

Jackie, your comments were not to harsh. You are right, and I have to make the right choices to live. I appreciate you being so straight forward and honest! Thanks so much for caring:)

Descartes said...

Have you tried listen to Mozart or some Kelly Howell CDs? I like music with those binaural beats. Listening music by the likes of Dane Spotts has helped me from time to time.

We're all going to die sooner or later-I have finally figured out there is no need to rush the process along.

PJ said...

i think jackies comments to you were spoken out of compassion and even though they may have seemed harsh, i think you needed to hear them. i believe that you can do this. i don't think that you are ready to leave this life and your family.

we all have choices and it is only within us how are lives turn out. we have to own our emotions and not let them own us. to recognize and allow ourselves to feel them and know that they are valid to us, only then can we move through them. i don't know if that is making any sense or not, i just wanted to let you know that i care...

Angel said...

Thank you, PJ, and you are right, I'm not ready to leave this life. That is not at all what I want. I appreciate your concern and caring:)