Sunday, October 11, 2015
I retreat, and often it is unconscious, unintended, and yet my body speaks before I am even aware that I've had enough. I'm physically and emotionally depleted, and the emotions are not negative emotions, but draining, none the less. Dave had an MRI last week, and after dozens of these in the last few years, it should be easy, but it isn't.
No, it isn't...
What is strange is that at the time, I seemed to not give it a second thought...just another day...La La La..., and then a week later, Dave texts me that he read the report, and from what he gathers, the brain tumor hasn't grown at all! My heart contracts in my chest, jumps into my throat, and skips a beat. I text back, trying to be the devil's advocate, suggesting we should wait to hear it from the doctor's mouth before celebrating. I may have held my breath, but I didn't go to that appointment with him for the first time in a long time, because I wanted so much to believe. It was good news, and that fucking tumor hasn't grown! Nine more months before another scan, and the relief is huge. I told my therapist, and she tried to get me to do a happy dance, but I couldn't. I just couldn't allow the happiness. I don't think I realized how heavily the fear was weighing, and it seems almost immediately, I got sick. I still can't take a full, deep breath, and I haven't struggled with my asthma in such a long time. Physically, my body is tired. I work with an aggressive student, and then I continue to practice and teach yoga, and although yoga is healing, I haven't taken the time to allow the practice to heal me. I go from work, to teaching at the studio, and teaching in the treatment center, and weekends are more teaching and practice. I love it, but my body has let me know by getting sick, and I've had to slow down. I've also criticized, judged myself, and worried that I cannot do everything. I take on all of the classes I can teach, and rarely say no. I seize every opportunity, and then my body rebels, and balancing my wants with my needs is something I'm still trying to figure out. I've had to call in sick to work, sub out a couple of my classes, and miss my own practice, which feels horrible. I miss the connection of my friends, and I'm realizing that I also miss being connected to my breath as well as my body. I'm still trying to figure out a way to do what I love without sacrificing my health, but I don't have all of the answers. Ahhh, Damn!
I don't have all of the answers!
Artwork by~ Johnny Palacios Hidalgo
"Our dreams are always calling us into greater gestures of surrender, which to everyone around us, looks exactly like bravery."~ Toko-pa