Friday, October 10, 2014
Last night was rough, but I made it through with some help, even though sharing, and being vulnerable was difficult. My husband wasn't home when I came home from work, and the boys were at work. I was on the computer, and perfectly fine until a noise startled me, and immediately sent me into a flashback. I lost all sense of time and place, and was deeply sad and shaken when it was over. I wanted to take a bath, but from experience know that is not helpful for me. I also wanted to drink to escape, which is also not helpful, so I wrote on my blog, even though I wasn't sharing the entire story. When my husband returned, I didn't tell him about the flashback. I usually keep them to myself, although I'm working on opening up more to him. He asked me if I wanted to watch the episode of The Big Bang Theory that he had recorded, so I settled in on the couch next to him. I still had a strong desire to bathe, and felt as if my skin was crawling. I tried to focus on the television, but I couldn't hold in the tears, so he turned off the show to ask me what was wrong. It took a bit of coaxing, but I was able to tell him about the flashback, not in any detail, but at least that I had one. I cried a bit more, and he held me for awhile. It helped to talk to him and share what I was going through, instead of keeping it inside, even though I worry that I'm a burden, and that my pain is too much to handle. I'm off work today, so I'm going to yoga, be with my friends, and try to remind myself that I am not a burden, I am only sharing the burden so that I can find some peace.