"Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic." ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
There is not a whole lot of logical thinking going on when it comes to someone with an eating disorder. In fact, just the other day I had a moment of totally illogical thinking. One of my sons had put some of my clothes in the dryer after they had been washed. I had a couple of minutes of panic because "Oh my God, what if they didn't fit me anymore?" That would mean that I was fat, and not that the clothes had actually shrunk. It took me awhile to talk myself through how illogical that kind of thinking was, and I finally did come to my senses. That is how eating disorders take over, distorting your thinking, distorting the truth, until you believe everything you are telling yourself. If I eat a cookie, within minutes, I will have gained weight...irrational, right? I made myself believe many lies, and what I saw in the mirror was not reality. How I felt in my body WAS my reality at the time. It was black and white...fat or thin, nothing in shades of grey. I still have many moments as you read above, when I'm not always logical, but now I can reframe my thoughts when they take over like a runaway train. I'm learning that grey is a beautiful color.
This is a poem that I wrote when I was still very ill.
At The Circus
I dream in distortions
a fun house mirror of horrors
swearing never to eat again
too much of myself to loath
I feel my body move beneath the sheets
unable to run
from who I know I am