Saturday, June 2, 2012

Word Of The Day #2~ Invisible

During the height of my anorexia, I wanted nothing more than to disappear, grasping for the illusion of invisibility, when in reality I was using my body to scream, "See me!" I didn't realize at the time that this was what I was doing. Starving was a way to numb myself, and the distraction of being obsessed with my weight kept the painful feelings at bay. I was hiding from myself, consumed with shame and self loathing. I felt that I didn't deserve to exist. As a rape survivor, I hated my body, hated my breasts, my hips, everything that made me a woman. I blamed my body for what had happened to me, and it made perfect sense to punish myself. When you are entrenched in the disorder you think it's about the weight, the food, the number on the scale, and you think that no one else understands. Can't they see that I'm fat?  I thought that no one could see me and what I was doing to myself. When we deny our feelings and silence our voices, that is when we become invisible. I can't tell you exactly when I made the choice to step out of the shadows. Part of it was realizing that what I was doing to myself affected others. I wasn't just hurting myself. I went into treatment, I went to therapy, I started writing and finding my voice.  We can only grow when we step into the light.


Jenn said...

your honesty touches me ; )

i am so glad you are writing and i know that the voice you have found is only going to continue growing and becoming stronger - just like you! <3

Wanda's Wings said...

What a wonderful song.Your words were spoken from your heart. Bless you.

Jennifer said...

I am so glad you are doing writing prompts -- I know that they aren't easy for you. This has a beautiful honesty.

And I understand what it means to want to be invisible, but to not want to be at the same time.