Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Three New Words

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I'm uncomfortable today, and I physically feel huge. I have to tell myself that I am not in pain, and dig deep for the reason that I feel this way. Why is it so hard for me to see the obvious, and to mask what I feel with the words FAT, HUGE, DISGUSTING. Ugly words that I find so difficult to replace. Feeling unworthy is just a bad habit. I'm plagued by nightmares that invite me to remember the feelings of shame. I struggle with letting it go. Giving up ownership of the shame. Believing, truly believing that the rape wasn't my fault. Constantly reliving the assault on my body makes me want to take it out on my body. This is where my discomfort comes from today. I have to find new words to say to myself today, otherwise I will find myself restricting. That is what I want to do. To feel empty and clean. So I need to eat, even though that will be uncomfortable. Not painful, just uncomfortable. I will tell myself that it will pass, and I will be okay. Three new words to replace fat, huge, and disgusting. Why is that so hard?