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Thursday, October 25, 2007

How?

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This constant fight toward eating disorder recovery is just wearing me out right now. I know that because I'm trying to deal with past issues, it makes fighting even harder. The problem is that it does work. It is a wonderful distraction from actually feeling and addressing the pain inside. There is that, and then there is everything else that seems to work against someone with food issues. Extreme thinness is prized in our society. There is rarely a day that goes by when someone does not comment on my size in a positive way. It is very hard not to want to hang on to it with everything that I've got. Unfortunately my identity is somewhat tied into my size. I'm a little over five feet tall, and when I was in high school, I weighed more than I should for my height.Not a lot more, but enough to be called pudgy. My dad would comment on my weight. He would say that it was such a shame, when I had such a pretty face. Right before going through puberty, I was raped, and then when puberty hit, I put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I hated everything about my body. It was my enemy; the betrayer. After high school I began exercising and restricting my food intake, and of course the weight came off, and all of the positive attention that went with that. Focusing on calories, abusing laxatives and diuretics and keeping all of it such a secret certainly kept my mind busy. I didn't have the time or energy to focus on the rape! I was so starved most of the time that I couldn't focus at all. What is sad is that at my lowest weight, when I weighed much less than what my ten year old son weighs now, I would still get compliments on my size. People couldn't even look beyond my size to notice that my hair was falling out, my skin was pale, the whites of my eyes were jaundiced, and I couldn't stop shaking from being so cold. How do I recover? How? Sometimes I feel that it is what defines me. Who am I without it? Yes, of course I realize that I am so much more than what I weigh, but it is so hard to get beyond it when there are so many people out there who don't want to let me. The eating disorder is the perfect tool for numbing the pain, but I let the constant comments of others trigger me to continue on a path that will ultimately destroy me. The fight is wearing me out, and I'm at a loss right now. When will I be strong enough to shut out the voice of the eating disorder. The voice that I call Claudia. She is in my head, she is the voice of my dad, she is the stranger on the street, or the comment of an innocent co-worker. How do I win? How?

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