Monday, October 29, 2007

In The Closet With Claudia And Other Adventures

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It has been a crazy day here at work, and I'm feeling anxious. Some of the students that I work with are self-injurious, so there has been a lot of that going on today.
Biting and headbanging have been the most common, some of which has been quite severe. Instead of taking a lunch break, here I am. Eating would just cause more anxiety for me right now, so that is my choice.

Yesterday I had a panic attack over getting dressed. I hated everything that I put on,and with each change of outfit, I felt as if I were increasing in size. It was ridiculous, and the rational side of my brain knew this, yet I couldn't seem to change the path that Claudia was leading me down. All that I could do was sit on the floor of my closet and cry. I finally gave up and just put my baggy sweats back on and called it a day. I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel that way. Today I got dressed with no problem, putting on the very first outfit I tried on. Of course, I couldn't just hole up in the house with my sweats on today either, because I needed to go to work.
Sometimes I think that it would be nice to just give into Claudia and deny that I even have an eating disorder, like I used to do.