Saturday, September 20, 2008

Only An Illusion


I dream of my body in it's prior anorexic state, and in the dream, I'm happy, giddy, laughing with joy, and then I awaken to how I feel now, which is worn down, lethargic, and sick. For a moment, I buy into the illusion, but it doesn't take me long to realize that it is only
Claudia, trying to sink her claws into my sleeping world because she has lost so much of her hold on me while I'm awake. Anorexia is what has broken down my body and my spirit, and now I'm fighting to gain back not only my health, but my life. There are still so many moments when I think that my life isn't worth saving, and those are the moments when I have to put my loved ones ahead of myself. I may not feel like I am worth fighting for, but I will fight to stay here for them.


Anonymous said...

keep fighting the fight--you will win and you will make it. I love the picture--it would make an amazing quilt--where did you get it from?
mrs b

Angel said...

I found the picture on photobucket.

Anonymous said...

Your children are always worth fighting for and it's great that you are recognizing that. You DO need to "stay here" for them. But I will tell you that YOU are worth fighting for as well. EVERY human life is valuable. It would be selfish to take away your life - suicide is always and only a selfish act. If you can't see the value in yourself right now, then you do need to recognize that your children see the value in their mother every day. Keep remembering the bigger picture and that this journey is not only about you, but those around you as well. Everthing we do in this life effects other people, so you need to remember to take that responsiblity seriously. One day your dream of health and wellness will come true.

Dave said...

I've been waiting for you to say this. I'm so happy that you are beginnig to see beyond the tunnel vision of the illusion and seeing the big picture. There is so much love for you here it can be overwhelming and painful for me, the kids and the family. Your worth to us is immeasurable for without you we would not be who we are today and that would be the greatest tragedy. Your will to fight is growing more determined and to see this gives everybody strength, hope and inspiration. Keep screaming and kicking your way through. We'll all throw in a few jabs with you.

Angel said...

Thanks honey!

I love you<333