Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Just The Blahs

I refuse to even say the word depressed to myself. I just have the blahs right now. I know why, and I know too, that they will leave if I can only give myself permission to have the feelings instead of trying to talk myself out of them. I had a severe panic attack over the weekend that left me feeling out of control, and I wish that I could have handled things more on my own, without having to need so much help to find my way back. I hate that so often, my automatic reaction to fear is to dissociate. It is frustrating, and I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I just wanted to be able to handle everything while Dave was out of town, and I wasn't quite able to, but it is okay. I'm still doing better, and I hadn't had a dissociative episode in quite awhile. I'm very lucky that I have a great therapist, and wonderful friends to help me, and they were able to pull me out of the darkness. What I hate more than anything is the loss of time and memories. I remember going into a panic attack, but then I don't remember anything else until very early the next morning...only vague bits that I can't piece together to make any sort of sense. None of that really matters. All that it is important to know is that I'm and now.


Chronic CHick Talk said...

Your words speak such volumes to me. I've had and still have anxiety attacks and so does my daughter. It seems to be a family trait so to speak. Childhood abuse is hell to say the least.

Hope you feel better.

chronic chick
Chronic Chick Talk

S. A. Hart said...

Hang in there. Everyone has swings, ups and downs, times when life feels good, and times when it's rough. The depression will feed your artistic expression, as it does for most artists. Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

i see wistfully that you have friends and family who are on your side. i have neither. i am so alone. i deal with almost all of your mental issues, and i, too, was sexually abused. when i was 4. my mother, grandfather, grandmother told me to hush about it. cherish your friends and family. things are unbearable without friends or family. there's just me and the knowledge that someday i'll have had enough.

you're so lucky not to be alone.