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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I'm Radioactive

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I'm home from my gastric emptying study, and feeling very focused and centered at the moment. I ate a small plateful of radioactive scrambled eggs while I was there, and then was x-rayed for 90 minutes while lying prone on an oh-so-comfortable metal exam table. I went into what I think was a meditative semi-awake state, and before I knew it, the back of my hair was an absolute mess! I hope that they figure out what is going on with this body that I'm really working hard at not despising. I see my therapist and nutritionist later this evening. What a fun-filled day! I'm trying to eat as much as my body will comfortably allow, but I get full so quickly, and that feeling of fullness is still very scary.

Feelings and emotions...
I'm not the only one who runs away.
My husband did not want to accept his award this weekend because he was afraid of his emotions.
He didn't feel worthy.
A man who went through two craniotomies, spinal meningitis, and a deep depression, didn't believe that he was worthy of an award dedicated to faith.
There was a time when I questioned whether or not he wanted to keep fighting, and I was angry.
Why didn't he want to stay with us?
We all get caught up in the darkness sometimes.
When the pain and fear is overwhelming,
what pulls you toward the light?